The Eternity Ellipse (Completed)

“The Eternity Ellipse.”

Prologue: “A penchant for trouble.”

Young and vivacious doesn’t go far enough to describe Becky Lynnwood. “Ants in the pants” or “A bee in her bonnet” are much better alternatives. She lives her life in overdrive, so to her the rest of the world seems to operate far too slowly. To those around her she appears careless, reckless, and fidgety! She jumps headlong into the thick of things without thought or inspection! Scary, that’s what people call her, and dangerous too! She acts like a woman with itching powder down her back.

Her quest for constant activity causes her to see and hear things the rest of us might not. After all, the more activity the more you see. So when “Little Miss Young and Vivacious” boldly announced that she saw something odd at the superstore, it was easy to dismiss her claim as another fantastic tale, and simply add it her ever-growing list of bone headed delusions.

Take last Friday’s dentist visit as an example. There she sat, strapped down, sedated, and her gums shot full of novocaine while the doctor prepared her left, rear molar for drilling. The eager young doctor was just about to break ground on that decaying molar when Becky shrieked at the top of her lungs.

“AAHHH! Lord in Heaven stop him, he’s going to behead me!”

Becky’s blood curdling denouncement cleared the young doctor’s waiting room of patients in less time than it took Jack Sprat to eat his fat! That poor young doctor lost more patients in that single afternoon than he gained over the entire past year!

But listen, I’m not the type to label anyone a nut case over just one isolated incident, that’s not me! I’m just as fair-minded as I suspect you are. I believe that anyone can have a bad day, and under the correct circumstances, a body might even see something that isn’t there.

Shadows, fatigue, novocaine, or an over active imagination on a dark Halloween night can put a persons brain into an open and suggestive state, and before you know it, you see something that isn’t really there. But come now, with Becky it happens every day.

And today we find her embroiled in yet another incredulous fiasco.

The Great, ‘Tuesday Morning Grocery Store Debacle!”

I tell you, this girl can’t go out in public without putting others at risk! She’s a menace, a time bomb, an explosion just waiting to happen! Believe me, with Becky prowling the vicinity disaster is a mere step behind. Catastrophe and chaos lay in her wake! May God help you if you happen to be standing beside her when it happens, because she may take you out in the crossfire!

Just ask poor Lola Lumps Smartin’ Wentworth if you need corroboration on that last statement! She’ll verify my fervent declaration, when and if the poor woman gets out of the intensive care unit at the county general hospital! The day that Becky ran poor old Lola over with her husband’s new riding lawn mower was a story fit for the record books!

You might expect Becky to be apologetic about it, but no, no, no! When questioned about how she managed to hit dear old Lola, a woman in her own front yard quietly pruning her prize-winning peonies, Becky had this to say.

“I swear it wasn’t my fault! Listen to me officer; I was avoiding’ hittin’ that cute little armadillo, the one I’d seen just the other day, the one with the cute little waistcoat on. As I recall, he ran right out in front of me asking for tea and crumpets, and well, I swerved the John Deere to miss hittin’ him. Oh I was mad all right, and I scolded him right away! Then I explained that I didn’t have time for serving tea, and I went right on cutting’ my lawn. I don’t know how I got all the way over here into Lola’s yard. It was like, ‘ZAP! JOLT! FLASH!’ And next thing I knew, here I was on top of poor old Lola!”

Becky sat atop her husband’s bright and shiny new John Deere, dumbstruck, and peering down at Lola’s prostrate body. When recognition hit her, she clapped a hand to her right cheek and sobbed.

“Did I do that?”

When she realized that she was to blame, she shrieked with horror.

“Oh, Lola! Poor dear, sweet, Lola, please forgive me!”

Lola has been knocked out cold ever since! Now the funny thing about it is this, there wasn’t a cut or scrape on Lola! Just a mighty big bump on her pretty, blue haired noggin! We would all love to know how Becky managed that!

But I’ve said enough about this haven’t I? I’m quite sure you get the picture. Becky is a raving menace; she’s flaky, unstable, careless, and way too fidgety! If she could just calm down and think before she acts, we could all live safer lives.

Our story opens in the meat department of the local grocery store, and my Lord in Heaven! I hope you don’t happen to be entering that store within the next few minutes! If you do, your life will be changed forever. Oh yeah, I forgot! That’s if you survive to tell!

Chapter 1: “The meats are so fresh today!”

Becky Lynwood was checking package dates for freshness while selecting a beef roast for her dinner guests. Roasts, steaks and beef cubes flew in several directions as she dug threw the meat case like a miner searching for gold. She finally gave up and pressed the service button then waited by the window with her fist on her hip.

“Lordy be, why can’t Mr. Sell-it-Rotten keep his meat case stocked with fresh cuts? Folks could get worms eating this selection of larva infested rot gut!”

Fran Trim-and-serve-it appeared at the window. Her face shriveled into a deep frown the moment she saw Becky fidgeting by the window. Becky ignored Fran’s discomfort and jumped right into the thick of battle.

“Well, it’s about time someone answer my call. I’ve been standing here a full forty-five seconds, and I haven’t got time to waste.”

Fran remembered the store mantra, “Smile, the customer is always right!”

“I’m here now Becky, what can I get for you?”

Becky smiled and ordered quickly, “I need a “fresh” beef roast big enough for a party of four, but small enough to ensure no leftovers.”

Fran’s lip quivered nervously and her brow began to bead with sweat while she worked, “Are you having company over for supper, Becky?”

“Oh my yes, Jerry’s boss and his wife.”

Fran hurried to fill Becky’s order. She’d witnessed enough of Becky’s escapades to know that she wasn’t safe in her presence! She spoke to relieve her own inner tensions while she worked.

“Isn’t that Mr. and Mrs. Whoppin-Big-Slop?”

Becky smiled while Fran cut an over sized roast in half. “Yes Fran, do you know Sheena?”

Did she ever! Sheena was the snobbiest naggin’ hag in town!

“Oh yes dear, Sheena and I are old school mates.”

Becky continued to squirm like a worm on fishhook as she checked her watch for the third time, “Please hurry, Fran! I have marketing to finish, the house to clean, and food to prepare!”

Fran scowled. “Sakes alive! Hold your horses Becky. You’re acting like a woman with the devil on her tail! Slow down or you’ll land yourself in an early grave!”

Fran was afraid she’d go to the grave along with Becky if she didn’t get her out of the meat department, and fast! She ripped a long sheet of brown paper from the roll and packaged the roast quick as a wink! She was giddy with relief as she handed it over.

“Here it is Becky! Cut, trimmed, and wrapped for freshness. Enjoy yourself entertaining the Whoppin-Big-Slops!”

Becky smiled gleefully and grabbed the roast, but the second she had it in hand, her facial expression changed dramatically. Then she pointed over Fran’s shoulder and shrieked.

“Duck Fran! Run, run for your life!”

Fran cowered backward and struck a defensive posture as Becky heaved the freshly cut center roast like a football! The bulky brown missile cut a blistering streak through mid-air and caught Fran on the crown of her head. The middle-aged meat cutter hit the floor like a lead balloon. While Fran lay unconscious with the beef roast at her side, Becky turned and yelped hysterically!

“Everybody, run! Save yourselves! They’re here, they’ve come for our heads!”

Shoppers cowered while Becky scampered through the aisles screaming at the top of her lungs.

“Get out! They just got Fran! They want us all!”

Jim Flubber-Waist found Fran lying on the floor! “Fran! Are you alright?” He bent to check her vitals and found a pulse. “Thank the lord!”

Her eyes popped open and Jim helped her to sit up.

“Jim? What happened, why am I on the floor?”

Then she remembered, “Becky!”

She started struggling! “Drag me into the back room Jim, and call the police! She’s gone completely insane this time!”

She tried to stand but swooned and fell into Jim’s arms.

“Stay down Fran, you took a serious bump on your head!” That’s when Jim saw the beef roast lying on the floor at Fran’s feet. “Fran, did you drop this?”

She scowled at Jim as he picked up the neatly wrapped package. “Heavens no Jim! I just cut that beef roast for Becky! That loony bin hurled it at me!”

While Jim assisted Fran, Becky tried to clear the store of patrons! “Listen to me everyone, save yourselves! They just got Fran, run for your lives, cover your heads!”

Mr. Sell-it-Rotten, the store manager, nabbed her in the produce department and shook her by both arms, her head bobbled haplessly to and fro while he shook and scolded her.

“Mrs. Lynnwood! Quiet down this instant, your antics are clearing my store of patrons!”

The stern consternation caught her off guard. “Oh, thank the Lord, it’s you Mr. Sell-it-Rotten! You must get everyone out of the store before they behead us all!”

He shook her sternly. “The only threatening body I see around here is you!”

Becky pointed across the aisle. “Are you blind? What do you call him?” Mr. Sell-It-Rotten scowled at the life-size display of Bulk Slogan, which boldly proclaimed the virtues of brushing your teeth with Stinking Mouth Toothpaste!

He scowled and barked, “That cardboard display is totally harmless, unlike others! And that over sized advertisement is a waste of space! Stinking Mouth Toothpaste hasn’t sold worth a tub a beans!”

Becky focused on the display and a sad frown lit her face. “They must have run off, Mr. Sell-it-Rotten.” She twisted in all directions then confirmed it. “Yes, they’re gone again, and good riddin’s to ‘bad news toads’ that’s all I have to say!”

She dusted herself off and smoothed her hair. “They’re gone, but I wouldn’t get too comfortable sir, those ugly toads will be back, I can assure you of that!”

Mr. Sell-it-Rotten escorted her to the front of the store gripping her arm firmly so she couldn’t escape. When they reached the front of the store they found Fran laying face up, blubbering while being prepped for Medi-Vac to the hospital. The medic was on the radio.

“Schedule a room in emergency! She’ll need a thorough examination and will most likely have to be kept overnight for observation!”

Mr. Sell-it-Rotten snarled at medic’s orders. “All on the company tab. Thanks to you Mrs. Lynwood!” Becky’s head fell forward in shame but she didn’t speak. When Mr. Sell-it-Rotten dragged her past Fran, Fran became hysterical.

“Oh God no! Keep her back! Make her stay away!”

The administering medic quickly shot Fran full of sedatives and nodded to the driver. “Pack her up and fly Bud, she’s on the edge.”

The few shoppers left inside the store were either too foolish or too curious to run. They stood on the sidelines frowning, and shaking their heads while Mr. Sell-it-Rotten led her cautiously but quickly toward the door. He wanted her out his store immediately. Past episodes of this nature had taught him that many of his loyal patrons would refuse to return, until Becky was out! Becky clears a store like no one else! But when Becky realized that he was escorting her out, she dug in her heals.

“NO Mr. Sell-it-rotten! I can’t leave without my beef roast! Jerry’s boss expects to be fed!”

The manager nearly tumbled head over heals as she halted dead in her tracks. When he regained composure he retrieved the mutilated beef roast from the meat manager and rang it up himself, because young Miss Wizen-Cracker refused to come anywhere near Becky. The young woman stood two booths away, cowering nervously by the LifeSavers display. Becky shook a finger and scolded her!

“Such a fuss Wanda Wizen-cracker. Wait till I tell your Mama how you’ve treated me today, she’ll have few things to say to you dear.”

The register drawer popped open and the manager stuck out his hand. “That will be seven dollars and fifty cents please.” As she laid the money into his hand, he exclaimed sarcastically. “No added charge for the tenderizing Mrs. Lynnwood, you can thank Fran’s head for that when she returns to work.”

Becky’s face shriveled like a scolded child, “I know don’t believe me sir, but they were here alright, and running through your store like a pack of wild Indians. If you had seen ‘em like I’d seen ‘em, you’d be thanking me ‘stead of throwing me out. I saved Fran from ‘em. They wanted her, yes sir, they wanted Fran’s head real bad.”

Becky snapped her purse closed and sauntered through the door beneath the scrutiny of a dozen flabbergasted on-lookers. When she stepped outside, Mr. Sell-it-Rotten rallied his employees.

“OK Everyone, Becky is gone, and Fran is on her way to the county hospital. The excitement’s over, everyone get back to work!”

In her wake, Becky had chased scores of Mr. Sell-it-Rotten’s shoppers right across the street to the new “Waddle Thru and Pay”. He needed to get the few remaining on lookers back into the store and into the check out line before he lost another dime to his competitor!

He smiled patronizingly and escorted Mrs. Himmel-Jimmel by the arm. “May I help you with your parcels Ma’am? Such a clear blue sky today, let’s get you into the check out so you can be on your way.”

His smile widened as the isles filled with buzzing patrons, all discussing the latest town fiasco compliments of Becky Lynnwood.

“On the outside, looking in.”

Becky sat behind the wheel of her shiny new van on the outer parameter of the parking lot. The keys clattered like chimes as she gripped them tighter in her hand. She was still shaking too badly to consider turning the ignition over and attempting to drive.

She spoke softly to her reflection in the window, “I saw those toad men as plain as day. They were here and probably still are! They ain’t the type to be scared off until they’ve gotten what they came for.”

Her bright blue eyes glistened reflectively as she watched the medical helicopter jet away with Fran. “Why didn’t anyone else see ‘em? Fran thinks I’m crazy, they all do! I don’t know why I waste my time or risk my life trying to save any of ‘em!”

Chapter 2: “Where she goes, so goes trouble.”

Jerry Lynnwood’s day was filled with the typical buzz of old clients, and new accounts to set up. He was eager to get home, throw his feet up, and relax. Then he remembered, “Oh shucks! Mr. Whoppin-big-slop is coming to dinner tonight!” He picked Becky’s picture from his desk and groaned. “I should have cancelled, now it’s too late.”

He hadn’t yet recouped from the weeklong Lola Lumps-A-Smarten Wentworth ordeal because Becky’s talent for trouble provided at least one new disaster per day! He was packing his brief case when the phone rang.

“Lynnwood speaking.” His forehead furrowed. “The hospital you say, assault with a beef roast? Umm, yes, I understand.” He listened a bit longer. “You say, he’ll be at the door first thing tomorrow morning? Yes, I see. Not at all sir. We’ll be waiting.”

He slapped the receiver onto the hook. “How did she manage to put Fran in the hospital?” He ran from the office and stopped at Renda Crumpled-Bottom’s desk.

“This package must be delivered overnight. No excuses!”

Renda took the package and nodded, then Jerry handed her a blue manila floder. “Hand this proposal to George Heads-too-fat. Do it personally and make him sign for it. That way he won’t be able to get away with any funny business during tomorrows meeting.”

Renda smiled and took out her logbook to register the proposal number. “Of course sir. I’ll get to George right away.”

He sighed, “You’re a charm Renda, what would I do without you. Thanks.”

“All in days work Mr. Lynnwood. Go home and relax, see you tomorrow.”

She watched him walk to the end of the hall and waved as the elevator doors closed.

“Poor Mr. Lynnwood. What has his hair brained wife done this time?”

Twenty floors below Jerry stood in the elevator reviewing his life with Becky.

“I was never the nervous type, until I married Becky. Now I piss myself every time the phone rings!”

When the doors slid open he cautiously stuck his head out, and checked the surrounding area, just to be sure.

“Looks safe, no falling objects, no oil slick, no smoke in the air! Should be okay.”

He ran for the car, jumped behind the steering wheel and locked the doors.

“I made it, if only I didn’t have to go home and explain about tomorrow to Becky.”

He considered dropping the bomb while they leisurely shared after dinner cocktails. “Oh by the way dear, the local head-shrinker will be stopping by to see you in the morning. Take two aspirins and get a good nights sleep.”

His daydream ended as he came up his driveway, when the garage door closed behind him he sat silently encased in the car. “Secure, like a fortress, and all mine. If I could just stay in here and lock everything else out, permanently.”

His respite was cut short when Becky flew through the garage door yelping like a frantic animal. “Jerry, come inside and sit, you’ll never believe what happened today!”

He reluctantly left the safety of his car, and his garage and followed her inside.

“I’m quite sure I’d believe almost anything these days Becky.”

She led him like a helpless lamb to slaughter and made him sit in his favorite stuffed chair, then she took his briefcase.

“Don’t scold me Jerry, not yet, just sit. And let me get you a drink.”

He waited patiently while she rattled through in the kitchen. He heard ice on glass and the gurgle of wine being poured. Then she was at his side with an extended arm, grinning merrily.

“Sip Jerry, don’t gulp. You know how gulping wine gives you gas.”
He loved her despite her antics, and smiled. “Thank you dear, I needed this.”

He sipped deeply then reclined, placing his feet on the ottoman, then nodded.

“Out with it Becky, no use putting it off.”

“Are you sure you’re ready to hear me out?”

He savored a second mouthful of wine and nodded. “Yes Becky, I’m ready, shoot.”

She covered the entire grocery store debacle from meat order to meat assault on poor Fran’s head!

“I wish you’d been there to see them Jerry. They’re ugly, hideous and evil creatures! They’re up no good I tell you! They want us all!”

He was dumbfounded and needless to say, speechless. He feared that she’d flipped at long last, but decided to humor her.

“How did these evil creatures from Elsewhere look Becky? Were they big, small, green, hairy or hairless? Did they have big mouths filled with razor sharp teeth?”

She was too energized to notice his sarcasm; she puzzled over his inquiry then quickly coughed it up.

“They didn’t look human at all. They walk upright like we do, but they’re mutant creatures like the freaks you see in trashy newspapers in the department stores. Big heads, webbed hands, no lips what so ever, and they had goofy pointy ears just like Mr. Spock! Frogs Jerry! They looked like oversized frogmen!”

That description was so complete yet so absurd that Jerry couldn’t swallow it.

“Lord in Heaven Becky, just listen to yourself! Are you sure about this?”

Her head bobbed up and down, faster than a jackhammer on concrete! “Oh yes indeed Jerry. I’m as certain as the tides! I saw those ugly toads as plain as day!”

Jerry looked at his watch, “Well, we ain’t got time to discus it any further. The Whoppin-Big-Slops should be here in less than an hour.”

Becky’s nose went straight up and twitched like a baby rabbit. “OH LORD Jerry! My beef roast!”

He raised his arms in self-defense as she ran for the kitchen.

“It’ll be overdone! I forgot to baste it!”
Jerry called from the living room. “Do you need help getting the pan out of the oven?”

His answer came in the form of a loud crashing noise and Becky’s shriek.

“OUCHY OOWIE! You hateful thing! Now look at what you’ve done!”

Jerry ran into the kitchen, “Becky! Becky, are you alright?” She was on her back with the meat platter on her chest, and the tea service between her ankles!

“Christ Becky! What happened?”

She pointed. “He did this Jerry. Make him leave my kitchen this very instant! I asked him to leave three times but there he sits, expecting me to feed him, again!”

She pointed to an empty plate with sandwich crumbs and a half empty glass of iced tea.

“Tell him to go Jerry! I don’t have time for his nonsense!”

Jerry looked annoyed. “Who Becky, who wants to be fed?”

She pointed, “He’s in your seat dear, don’t you see him?”

Jerry frowned, “Becky! I don’t’ see anyone at the table. Not in my seat or any other!”

Becky fumbled around, collecting her scattered tea service while she spoke with irritation. “Oh no, sir, I won’t serve you again. I’m not running a cafeteria here. So I’d suggest that you leave before Jerry throws you out! We have guests coming to dinner in less than an hour! I have a table to set, vegetables to steam and bread to slice! And that doesn’t count for a second’s worth of time to prepare the salad! Now I want you to leave this house immediately!”

Thick dark smoke billowed from the kitchen as she threatened her invisible guest. The beef roast and the oven were on fire!

“Oh Christ Becky! The roast!” Jerry ran to put out the oven fire. But before he got to the door, he vanished right before her very eyes! Stunned, she quickly turned to check on her uninvited guest. He sat at the table grinning and rubbing his hands together. Then she knew. They took Jerry, and no one could help him now.

“NOT MY JERRY! Jerry, come back! Don’t leave me.”

She stared at Jerry’s chair and spoke. “You didn’t have to take Jerry away from me. I fed you twice. You mean and hateful thing. Oh how I hate you, I wish you were dead!”

Then, she dropped to the floor and burst into tears. Resting on her knees, with her face in her palms, she sobbed like a baby. And while Becky mourned her loss, the invisible guest disappeared into a vapor, leaving Becky alone with her grief.

“The Lynnwood home twenty minutes later.”

They found her with her back pressed against the wall, knees pulled to her chest and rocking back and forth. Her incoherent babble worried them but she wasn’t able to make them understand. Thick, dark smoke filled the house, and though they looked diligently, no one found a trace of Jerry.

The neighbors called 911 and fire trucks arrived in droves. Mr. and Mrs. Whoppin-big-slop arrived while the Fire Company was breaking in the door. They gasped in horror, and Sheena covered her mouth and nose to block the ugly odor of burned beef roast. On the lawn, Becky was being prep’ed for the hospital. Sheena ran to her side.

“Becky dear, where is Jerry?” She heard Sheena, but she was in shock! She looked right past them, as if she hadn’t heard a word. “Becky? Answer me, are you alright?” Mrs. Whoppin-big-slop touched her hand and suddenly recognition hit her.

“SHEENA! Oh Sheena, you have to help me. They took him, the hateful, inhuman creeps took my Jerry.”

She started to cry and that’s when the para-medic hit her with a second vile of sedatives. Sheena held her hand as the medic injected her. She shook her head from side to side, sadly considering Becky’s delicate frame of mind. When Becky passed out cold, Sheena nuzzled against her husband for reassurance. She watched with amazement while they stuffed her into the ambulance and whisked her away. When the ambulance sped away, she asked. “Oh Bob, poor Becky, what do you suppose she’s done to Jerry?”

Chapter 3: “Gone, without saying good-bye.”

“STOP! Get your slimy hands off me! Yuckie Smuckie! You guys are a bunch of gnarly and disgusting toads! Becky was right! Why didn’t I listen to her?”

Jerry rattled the cage door where he stood barefoot, objecting to his imprisonment! He was naked, with the exception of his BVD’s, was he ever glad he’d remembered to put on a clean pair that morning! His captors consisted of three tall Lathardian Stinkface. Their grunts and croaks sounded eager and excited while they poked and prodded him with webbed fingers and long metallic utensils. They appeared to be examining him, but seemed more intent on agitating him.

The human size cage sat dead center in the middle of a cold, dank examination room. Three blinding spotlights focussed on the cage from overhead. The Lathardians circled Jerry’s cage like prowling predators. Loud excited Lathardian croaks echoed through the small dank antechamber, filling Jerry’s ears with a cacophony of inhuman sounds.

Then they began poking him with pointed metal rods. They rattled and clanked against the steel bars as they poked at Jerry’s tender naked flesh. He tried to slap them away, “Stop poking me you ugly worms! Get those cattle prods away from me! Where are my clothes, I want ‘em back right now!”

Jerry’s agonizing cries filled the cold and smelly chamber, but his misery failed to impress his tormentors. The tallest Lathardian jabbed his meaty butt cheek with a pointed metal instrument and nodded to his pals. The throaty, grunting noise that followed must have been a Lathardian laugh, though it sounded cruel and sinister to Jerry.

“Don’t jab me again you ugly slug! I’ll kill you when I get out of here!”

Jerry massaged his aching behind with both hands! That last jab to the butt really hurt! He was anxious, disoriented, and scared to death. He didn’t understand how he’d gotten here, and he wanted answers! His captors circled the cage, leering and jeering as his feelings of desperation mounted. He didn’t understand why he’d been brought here or how he got here. But his captor’s leering eyes, overt body language, and eager croaking, made it clear to Jerry that they had sinister and painful plans!

The site of the disgusting toad men sickened him. Their hands were cold. Clear, slimy ooze secreted from their fingertips each time they touched him. They were a sight straight from the pages of,

“DISGUSTING INTER-GALACTIC CREATURES YOU DON’T WANT TO MEET, MONTHLY!”

After examining Jerry for just three minutes, his skin was dripping with vile smelling hog-faced stink ooze! It dripped from their fingertips like snotty nose ooze! Each time he wiped it away, another Skunkface touched him and his skin was dripping with skunk ooze, all over again!

The pack of Stinkface suddenly tired of their game and backed away. Then the tallest one whirled his poker and spoke at last. “Well now, Jerry. Relax big man; we’re just as amazed as you are. We hadn’t planned on you dropping in on us. Imagine our surprise at finding you here! We were expected to prepare your wife for the festivities, not you!”

Then the tall one stepped forward and threw a satin dress into the cage. “Sorry man, but this is all we have. We were expecting to entertain Becky. These will have to do for now.”

They all laughed as Jerry grabbed the dress and pulled it over his head. After pulling the dress over his head, Jerry resumed rattling the bars with angry indignation, “You ugly bastards, let me out, you don’t have the right!”

The big one grunted and chuckled with Lathardian hysteria as Jerry ranted, “We have the right Jerry, because we have the power.” Jerry was surprised to find that he understood their words. He reached through the cage and shook his fist.

“HEY! How come I can understand what you ugly freaks are saying?”

The tall one nodded and stepped forward. “Please Jerry, there’s no need to insult us. Remember one thing, we’re “your” hosts. If you piss us off, there will be no food, no amusement, and no girly match making for you either.”

Jerry spit at him, but it didn’t seem to bother the ugly toad man one bit, in fact the toady creature lapped it up, and then, tisk, tisked at Jerry.

“Jerry, I’m surprised at you. You’re not acting very friendly, not sociable at all. You’ve insulted us several times, and we haven’t mentioned your repulsive appearance once. And “Oh my Lathardian God.” Jerry, you are the ugliest creature I’ve seen in many Lathardian Moons! And you have to understand the gravity of that Jerry. You see Jerry, full moons on the planet Leapfroggin come only once, in what you would call a hundred years. A century I believe you call it. Yes Jerry, if there’s “ugly” present, it’s you big guy, not us.”

Jerry’s face wrinkled with angry frustration as he dropped to his knees. He was dazed, and confused, and just beginning to realize that he was at their mercy. This revolting pack of Stinkface held Jerry’s life in their sickening hands, if that’s what a body could call them!

When the reality of the situation became clear Jerry cried with misery. Sitting on open Lathardian display in his small cell, he suddenly felt desperate and alone, isolated and completely humiliated.

He would have never selected the color or cut of this dress. It was too revealing, too clingy and too bright in color! He sat rocking on his knees and peering upward at his hosts as he pleaded.

“Why? Tell me why you brought me here? And what do you plan to do to me? When can I go home? Oh please, don’t hurt me, I promise to cooperate. Just send me home please.”

Now that was exactly what Lunk-A-Punk wanted to hear! His ugly toad face opened wide, revealing a bright Lathardian grin. His vile teeth looked like a jagged row of hyena’s teeth, and his skunk breath was sufficiently putrid to melt steel! Jerry nearly passed out when the ugly little cloud of Lathardian skunk breath fog hit him dead in his face. It was rancid and penetrating, sickening, and totally stomach turning.

I guess the snorting sound that followed was another Lathardian laugh. But the odor! Oh Lordy, the odor was awful. Jerry used one hand to pinch his nostrils closed and slapped the other over his mouth trying to squelch the urge to retch! He was about to be sick, real sick.

Just then, Rappa-Slappa-Stinka appeared in a blinding flash! The ear splitting crash that accompanied his arrival alerted the other Lathadians to his imminent presence. They stepped back and bowed respectfully just as his figure materialized before them.

“Sire! Your grand vileness! Welcome Exalted Stinkface!”

But his greeting was not a pleasant one. As usual, his buffoon platoon had screwed up royally! “Enough groveling you fools! As usual, you picked up the wrong human on the “Zipp-an-ass-a-bolt!” Again, you let me down!”

The three buffoon Stinkface got to their knees, looking much like the Lathardian version of the three stooges, and pleaded. “No Sire, listen to us! It wasn’t our fault. That darn old Zip-an-ass transporter malfunctioned again. So you see sire, it wasn’t our…”

“SILENCE! YOU IDIOTS!”

The Grand Stink-face jutted his fist toward the ceiling and whisked into action. He walked to the small cell and licked his ugly, salivating, frogman lips. He looked Jerry over head to toe and mused aloud.

“Not much good for mating. Raise the hem of that skirt!” Jerry pulled up the skirt to reveal his legs. “UMM, UMM” Now they look mighty tasty. Have Grill-em-right take him into the kitchen right NOW! I’m hungry, Becky refused to cook for me, so I’ll have her man for dinner instead.”

Jerry dropped the hem of his dress and his eyes popped wide open. “GOD NO! Oh Christ, don’t butcher me!”

But the exalted grand Stink-face only laughed. “It’s your own fault Jerry! I sat at your dining room table asking to be fed, and YOU ignored me!”

Jerry shook his head as if he didn’t’ understand. “You sat at “My” table? Do you mean it was you, when Becky said that you wanted food?”

Rappa-Slappa-Stinka nodded and brushed Jerry’s face with the back of his stink-ooze dripping, hand and batted his froggy eyes. “Umm Humm, exactly then, and you made a fool of Becky too. And in the wake of it all, I got NO food!”

He turned his caped back and snapped his froggy fingers. “To the kitchen with him! Make it quick! And make sure Grill-em-right shaves him first! If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a hairy pair of human legs!”

 

Chapter 4: “Where did my Jerry go?”

 

Sheena Whoppin-big-slop sat dutifully by her bed, reading a copy of Oprah’s monthly magazine. She was mid way trough the volume when Becky began to waken. Becky’s head rolled side to side, as she wakened and tried to focus. Then she began to moan, “Don’t, oh no don’t, not again, not another skin grafting!”

She bolted upright like the teacher’s pet raising his hand when she asks for an answer in class!

“YYAAHH! Not another cutting, not another limb removal!”

Sheena pressed the button for help and three nurses burst into the room, each one tripping over the last ones heels, and each carrying a handful of sedatives and hypodermic needles! The head nurse pushed by the others and ordered.

“Call doctor Pickin-an-a-pokin! Call him now!”

Nurse Flipp-em-over ran for the phone while the others worked to sedate Becky. Nurse Wheeze-and-gasp stuck her with the hypo while Nurse Wide-in-the-hip held her down. By then, nurse Flipp-em-over hung up the phone and returned to the bedside. Becky was drifting away on a cloud of drug-induced sleep. She stared at nurse Flipp-em-over with pleading eyes, and begged.

“Please nurse, you must help me. Don’t let ‘em do it, please don’t let remove my leg.”

Becky’s words died in mid sentence and her head dropped heavily into her pillow.

Nurse Wheeze-and-gasp exclaimed with relief, “Thank god! But she won’t be out for long! We must convince the doctor to prescribe something stronger. She’s not staying out for more than an hour at a time. This medication isn’t working.”

Nurse Wide-in-the-hip nodded her agreement. “I agree, her last injection wasn’t a full hour ago. She’s getting worse, much worse.” She turned and pleaded to the head nurse. “What happens then Miss Wheeze-and-gasp? What happens if we can’t keep her quiet?”

The head nurse shrugged and wiped poor Becky’s fevered brow. “I don’t want to think about it dear. You know as well as I do, that there’s only one option left if we can’t keep her quiet.”

The others understood the gravity of her statement, and so did Sheena. When the nursing staff left the room, Sheena returned to her bedside. She took Becky’s hand and spoke to her unconscious friend.

“Now, listen to me Becky Lynnwood. You’re have got to settle down. If you don’t, it’s all over for you dear. And what will become of Jerry if they put you away?”

 

Chapter 5: “Cornering the fly in her cushy web of deceit.”

She studied her face in the mirror. She was older now, and the lines at her eyes gave her away. Her hair was thinner too, and her eyes didn’t sparkle as brightly as they once did. But she was still quite pretty, in fact she was beautiful. Her declining age didn’t diminish her regal and stately appearance.

Eighty didn’t seem so old now that it was staring her the face. The invitations had been mailed, to friends, family, and even old college sorority sisters. But the most important invitation was yet to be returned. She checked the list of RSVP’s and wondered aloud, “Oh why? Why hasn’t Becky responded?”

RING…

Penelope Tite-Pantys stared at the phone and allowed it to ring three times before answering.

“Hello?” The expression went from concern, to anger. “No! That can’t be, we can’t allow it! Stop it, stop it right now! Stall them until I get there.” She slapped the receiver onto the hook and flew into action. She flung her boudoir door open and shrieked.

“Hilda Smeltz-and-Flounders! Hilda, come here immediately! And have the driver bring the Rolls around to the front door, have him and wait there!”

(Thirty minutes later at county hospital.)

Penelope had contacts and power. Born into wealth, and married to influence, she was known all over the state. When she burst into Becky’s room, the nurses stood back whispering and gossiping.

“OH my, it’s Penelope Tite-Pantys! She must know this patient.”

While the nagging nurses gossiped about Penelope’s escapades, Penelope called for Becky’s doctor. “Yes nurse Wide-in the-Hip, send him in immediately! I must speak to him NOW!”

Then she sat right beside Becky’s bed, holding her hand and staring longingly at her clear and youthful complexion. “Yes my dear. Don’t you worry about a thing. Penelope is here. They won’t be putting you in that nasty, old asylum. You’re coming home with me.”

(An Hour later at Penelope’s front door.)

She burst through the door in a flurry of satin, waving her arms and barking orders.

“Have Harold Lunk-the-Junk take Becky and her things to the “Fools-R-Visiting Room!”

While her staff settled Becky into her new accommodations, Penelope retired to her private quarters. She hurried down the hall, her blue satin dress rustling, her spiked heel shoes clicking like castanets, as her footsteps faded down the passage.

She stood alone by the door and unlocked it. The bright room always revived her spirit and cheered her. She walked slowly to her vanity and settled down in front of the mirror. A delighted, sinister smile crossed her face as she spoke, “Now, the real work begins. I must get the upper hand on Rappa-Slappa-Stinka “before” I deal with Becky.”

She undressed and lay naked over her bronze antique bed, remembering the passion and heat of her many lovers. She was aging, but she wasn’t prepared to surrender to time and the inevitable. Not when the possibility of eternal youth, power, and immortality existed!

She was one, of only three, shareholders to her spirit-totality. Becky was one. Being older than Becky, she was naturally more experienced. Taking Becky out would be mere child’s play. But this last creature, the ugly frogman from that repulsive society on the planet of Leapfrogin is another situation all together. No sir-ree! Rappa-Slappa-Stinka isn’t about to roll over and play dead in the simple way Becky just did. Rappa-Slappa-Stinka was hundreds of years older than Becky and Penelope.

Drat the life span of Leapfroginites! With age comes power, and he had three times the age and experience that Penelope has. Her best hope is to take him by surprise! Corner him, sedate him, perform the ritual, and then discard his ugly carcass! Maybe she could trap him with a dirty game of pool, using her custom made Leapfroggin lily pond!

She walked to her window and studied the progress. It was more than three-quarters complete. All she needed was sufficient time to complete it before Rappa-Slappa-Stinka came looking for her and Becky.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

She stood and walked to the door. “YES! Who is it?”

“It’s Clara Fretin-Over-It, Miss Tite-Pantys. I have an important letter! It just came to the door by courier.”

She didn’t trust this letter? She wasn’t expecting any correspondence! She stood by the door, not opening it and asked, “From Whom did it come Clara!”

She heard the tearing of the envelope and the rustle of paper as Clara pulled it out and read the name.

“Oh my miss, this is a strange name indeed! I hope I’m saying this right. Umm, now let me get it right. Rappa-Slappa-Stinka? It must be Asian or Arabic, don’t you think?”

Clara heard a dull thud behind the door as Penelope fell to the floor. She passed out cold when she heard the name, “Rappa-Slappa-Stinka!” To make things more difficult, her private door was locked from the inside.

Clara stood pounding and calling, “What happened Miss Tite-Pantys? Are you alright?”

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Miss Tite-Pantys? Do you need help?”

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! Still no answer.

“George! Allen! Dave! Please come quick! Miss Tite-Pantys is locked in her room and something dreadful just happened!”

 

Chapter 6: “Hey, hold up on the spice will ya!”

Grill-em-right held the blade of the meat clever against the grinding stone while staring hungrily at Jerry’s right butt cheek. His repulsively salivating mouth hung wide open as he spoke.

“Yes sir-ree, Rappa-Slappa loves a nice set of human legs. But I got to tell you Jerry old pal. I’m an ass man myself.”

He laughed at his oafish joke and poked Jerry on the butt with a two-pronged fork.

“OUCH! Keep the hardware to yourself you big goon, you big oaf, you goofy frog faced imp!”

A big black pot bubbled in the large stone hearth. It was suspended from a large iron hook like a witch’s cauldron. The scene looked like “Hansel and Gretle!” Jerry knelt in his cage in the middle of the large wooden butcher’s table. He was stripped of his dress and even his BVD underpants. Jerry was down to his birthday suit!

The ravenous frogman chef laid the clever aside, and picked up the razor for sharpening. It had to be just perfect when he shaved Jerry’s legs. But before he laid the razor to the stone, he added spices to the rapidly boiling water. The peppery leaf plant sent an irritating aroma through out the room and Jerry sneezed!

“A Choo!”

Grill-em-right turned and laughed, “Bless my poor little dinner buddy!”

And then the chef was coming for him, meat clever and razor in his webbed hand. Jerry was beside himself with panic.

“Listen to me! Hey, Grill-em-right, is that your name? Listen to me man!”

The frogman opened the cage door and grabbed Jerry by the throat. He shook Jerry by the throat and forced him down onto the table, face up. Jerry wriggled frantically trying to escape the frogman’s grasp, but the toad man was too strong, and Jerry finally lay pinned under the ugly toad’s strong grip.

“Now hold still will ya, or I’ll have to behead you right here. I don’t like beheadin’ wild game in my kitchen. It makes a nasty mess, but I’ll do it if you don’t hold still!”

Jerry tried to object, but the frogman’s grip on his throat cut off his air! Then Grill-em-right sank the meat cleaver into the counter top right beside Jerry’s head. The blade brushed so close to his neck, he felt the breeze coming off the blade as it sank into the wooden table top, two inches deep! Jerry started to cry.

While Jerry sobbed, the frogman chef held Jerry in place, and worked quickly. He shaved Jerry’s entire body. He had to be sure that the big boss wouldn’t find a single hair in his food. When he was done, he oiled Jerry’s body with Swamp-oil, and held him up by the throat to admire his work.

“Not bad at all! A nice clean job, and not one knick to complain about neither!”

Then he tossed Jerry’s clean-shaven body back into the cage and prepared his cutlery for gutting and dismemberment.

Many chefs whistle while they work, but Grill-em-right couldn’t whistle, he had no lips. So in common Lathardian fashion, he croaked and ribbitted a froggy tune while the blades were being sharpened. That froggy tune gave Jerry an idea, maybe a ‘Sing a long with Froggy!’ session will stall the goofy toad’s work!

Jerry mused that if he could make a buddy out of Grill-em-right, the froggy-chef wouldn’t have the heart to kill him! Grill-em-right’s deep croaking tune was in mid-stanza when Jerry decided to join him.

“Froggy went a cortin’ sha la la…

What a mess for knottin’ fa la la…”

Then, Jerry decided to lighten the mood by adding his own special lyrics!

“I met Toady Linda on a toad stool frond!

Croak-a doo ron ron ron, goof doo ron ron.

I tried to jump her green butt she slapped me down,

Croak-a doo ron ron ron, goof doo ron ron.

My Froggy friend had told me that tramp’s name was Jill,

Croak-a doo ron ron ron, goof doo ron ron.”

The froggy chef stopped croaking in mid phrase, and turned his toady eyes on Jerry. But Jerry sang right along, thinking that Grill-em-right was indeed amused. The expression on Grill-em-right’s face, if that’s what a body could it, didn’t look like a smile. But yes, the toad man was grinning in his own special way.

Jerry’s deep, baritone voice, given the right tone and the right amount of bass, could easily sound froggy, and he did it now, intentionally, while lamenting to the tune of Green fields.

“Once there were lilies, misted in fog, big creepy piggies, stuck deep in the bog!”

Yes, Jerry had the chef’s attention, and that was good! For the moment, the chef stopped sharpening his tools! But when Jerry studied Grill-em-right’s eyes, something seemed amiss. These frogmen are alien yes, but something told Jerry that the look in Grill-em-right’s eyes was “Not” the look of friendship.

Then Jerry realized that Grill-em-right was experiencing frogman amore!

The moment Jerry realized the frogman’s intention, he stopped singing right away, but by then, things had gone too far. Grill-em-right was ready for a date, and Jerry was in no position to back out on him now! The lovelorn frogman turned his lovelorn eyes on Jerry and came for him.

“NO! HEY Grill-em-right! Back off!”

“Oh now listen to you. Oh yes, yes. My pretty little toad stool pet.”

Jerry hadn’t anticipated this! Grill-em-right looked like Pepe Le-Pew chasing that poor alley cat! All Jerry wanted to do was make a buddy and find a way out of his cage. He hadn’t planned any further than that,

Jerry backed up against the back of the cage and held on for dear life. He stared in horror as the frogman opened the cage and grabbed him. The unsavory chef pulled Jerry free of the cage and threw him face up, and slurped his face with a messy frogman kiss,

“YUCKIE MUCKIE! No Grill-em-right, stop, stop it now!”

Grill-em-right flipped him onto his stomach, full moon up and mounted him from behind. Jerry cried franticly.

“God no, not that!”
He felt the frogmans probe stick him hard between the cheeks, but he wiggled around and it didn’t penetrate. “Stop, oh God stop!”

Grill-em-right had Jerry right where he wanted him, and he was just about to get serious when Rappa-Slappa appeared at the door.

“Grill-em-right! You perverted amphibian! How often must I warn you NOT to play Blind Date with MY food!”

The toady chef was stunned by Rappa-Slappa’s regal yet unceremonious entrance! But he was too worked up to control himself. A thick jettison of froggy whiz-jizz shot upward and soaked Jerry’s naked skin. Then he ran for the safety of his kitchen counter and shivered in fear.

Rappa-Slappa cursed! “You hog! You drenched him in white sauce! And I hate white sauce!” Then he grabbed Jerry’s quivering body and shook him by the throat. “Yuckie muckie! I want him cleaned! NOW!” Then he trew Jerry onto the counter and ordered.

“Scrubb it and clean it right way! I’m starved!”

The frog chef held Jerry under a deluge of water and then presented him to the royal Lathardian Stink-Face. The big boss examined him and complained.

“I HATE CHEF’S! You’re all a bunch of perverted loons and sick oh’s! I warned you time and again not to play pick and poke with anything that I’m going to eat!”

The big boss grabbed Jerry by the throat and tossed him back into the cage. With Jerry stowed safely behind bars, Rappa-Slappa turned his angry face on the chef. Grill-em-right’s head dropped forward and hung listlessly in green-faced humiliation.

Rappa-Slappa rushed to the cage and examined his dinner. His gnarly salivating mouth opened wide as he checked Jerry for freshness and firmness. Jerry was beside himself with fear and anguish. The frogman’s rancid odor and repulsive appearance sickened him. He couldn’t fathom being eaten and digested by this disgustingly ugly creature.

His inner prayer was one of desperation, “NO God, please, my life can’t end this way! Don’t let my life end as a simple dinner for Freddy the Frog!”

The froggy chef dropped into a seat at the far end of the counter while Rappa-Slappa inspected Jerry for damage and cleanliness. Grill-em-right felt great! He was relaxed and eager to have a stink-a-rette. Jerry had been a good date, and now he needed that stink-a-rette to put him back in step with his chores.

But he knew he couldn’t indulge his craving until Rappa-Slappa was gone. Rappa-Slappa hates stink-a-rette smoke in the kitchen. While he sat by the counter, quietly catching his breath, Jerry kneeled by his cage door, moaning and sobbing.

The Grand High Froggy sneered at Jerry and ignored his cries of misery. To Rappa-Slappa, Jerry was nothing more than a meal waiting to be cooked! He turned his back to Jerry and completed his order to the chef.

“You’re very lucky that you haven’t damaged it. I expect you to clean it up BEFORE you serve it! You’ve slobbered all over it! If it comes to my table with “any” slob sauce, I’ll have “your” head!”

Rappa-Slappa stood before the chef and pounded his fist into the counter top!

“Now, I expect you to behead it, gut it, and serve it. I want it tenderized, roasted, and served with a chilled bottle of Swamp-findel! And be quick. I’m starved!”

Then the regal toad man was gone, and when Grill-em-right started for the cage, Jerry’s pleas for mercy started anew.

Chapter 7: “Penelope makes Becky comfortable.”

“Don’t disturb her Clara, make sure she rests. Serve a light dinner at five, and I’ll hold “you” personally accountable to insure she finishes “every” bite.” Penelope wasn’t concerned about Beckys’ health, she was concerned about herself. Beckys’ health would be her health when the ritual was performed, and with luck on her side that wouldn’t be much longer.

With Rappa-Slappa-Stinka prowling the universe in search of Becky, time was growing short! The housekeeper stumbled through Becky’s door at five PM, with a tray full of gooey dinner delights in her paws. Becky sniffed groggily and began to waken. She was disoriented, as her head came up and she tried to focus. As she entered consciousness, she began chanting Jerry’s name.

“Jerry, where are you, I need you Jerry. Jerry, do you hear me?”

Clara tried to silence her so she could feed her. Penelope’s orders were quite strict! “Be sure she eats “every’ bite!”

“Hush Becky, sit up tall and settle down. They ain’t found your husband yet.”

Becky blinked, “Didn’t find my husband? Is he missing?”

“Why yes he’s missing, and word is you’re to blame for it dear. So, what did you do with him, where did you stuff his body?”

Becky fought against the powerful sedatives, trying to clear her head of the dense fog. The effect of the drugs was wearing off at last! What did this woman just say?

“Where did I stuff Jerry’s body?” Does that mean Jerry’s dead? She pushed the spoon away. “What did you ask me?”

Clara tried again. “The police have been searching, digging, and scouring the country side looking for your husband. They ain’t found hide nor tail of him yet, so I asked you the same question that everyone’s been asking, where did you stuff him?”

Becky was stunned! “You think I killed my own husband?”

Clara tried to smile. “Well, I suspected it, but now listen, don’t go getting’ riled up.”

The saucer went first, followed by the teacup, then the spoon, and finally the tray. The antique china shattered into a thousand pieces as they smashed against the door.

“Take all of this away and tell me where am I? I want to go home, I need to find Jerry!”

Ms. Tite-Pantys pressed her ear to the door and listened while Carla tried in vain to quiet Becky’s outrage. Angered by the loss of her antique dishware, she barged into the room and shrieked!

“STOP THIS OUTRAGEOUS BEHAVIOR THIS VERY INSTANT! Stop breaking up my house! I saved you from certain institutionalization! Is this how you repay me, is this how you display your gratitude?”

Ms. Tite-Pantys abrupt and indignant entrance stunned Becky, and she stopped ranting. She was puzzled and asked, “Who are you, and why am I here? I don’t mean to appear ungrateful. But I need to know where I am, how I got here and why I’m here.”

The aging heiress approached the bed, smiling cautiously, then reached for Becky’s hand. Becky drew back, unsure if she should allow it. Penelope’s obsequious smile relaxed her, and she smiled back.

“I’m Ms. Tite-Pantys, don’t you recognize me? Most other folks around here know me very well.”

Becky sat up straight, and realized that she did recognize her. “Oh my lands yes, you are Ms. Tite-Pantys! How silly of me! But what in blazes am I doing in your bedroom? Please, tell me how I got here!”

Penelope’s insincere smile widened. “You’re recovering from a serious shock dear. Some of the doctor’s at the hospital feared you might not recover. They wanted to put you away, so I brought you here!”

It seemed odd that Penelope would save her, but she was still more concerned about Jerry.

“Why does this woman say that I hid my husband’s body? Where is Jerry? Who took him?”

Then Becky remembered the incident in her kitchen, and remembered “them”!

“Call the President, call the National Guard! They’re here, and they took Jerry! They’ll be back you know! They want us all, they have plans for every one of us, none of us is safe!”

While Becky raved Ms. Tite-Pantys nodded to the attending nurse, “Now Becky, settle down. I assure you, I have everything completely under control.”

Becky stopped raving when she realized that Penelope seemed to believe her! “Yes dear, I know about them. I’ve seen them too, and I know exactly how to handle them. So while I protect “our” mutual interests, I want you to relax and allow me to help you and Jerry.”

She nodded to the nurse and she stuck Becky in the arm with a long hypodermic needle. Her dinner was wasted and Penelope regretted that! But in this state, she was dangerous to them all. The best thing for everyone was to knock her out and keep her that way for just a while longer.

Becky resisted in vain. “No more shots, no more pills. I don’t want to rest…I want to find Jerry, please, help me find Jerry before its too…”

Ms. Tite-Pantys tisk tisked, “Hush now Becky, I’m going to help you and Jerry.”

Becky’s head fell into the pillow and Ms. Tite-Pantys released her hand.

“All of you, out of here and prepare the fool-a-loofa-pond for the ritual!”

The next step was to capture, secure and rendering “him” immobile so she could drain his powerful spirit!

“He’ll be here soon, looking for Becky. We haven’t much time. We must be ready the moment he materializes!”

Chapter 8: “The Great Froggy Escape!” Or “Andy Stink-a-dillo to the rescue, and not a Stink-faced moment too soon!”

 

Jerrys’ desperation was heart rending while the froggy chef prepared to gut him.

“Grill-em-right, hey old buddy, remember me? Hey, I thought we had a relationship man! Put that meat clever away dude!”

Grill-em-right grabbed him around the throat and dragged him from the cage. He dangled Jerry from his webbed hand as he crossed the room toward the meat carving counter.

“Shut up you freak, I had my fun with you, now it’s time to gut you. I think I’ll take your ugly head off first. I’m getting tired of listening to you whine and complain.”

Jerry tried to dig his heals into the brick floor, but it was awash in slippery grime, and slime. His efforts awarded him nothing but a filthy coat of goo on his naked skin! Eight foot tall Grill-em-right slung Jerry over head with one arm and slapped him down onto the counter top with a hollow sounding “Flunk!”

“OWWW, ouch you bastard!”

The toad man chef pushed Jerrys’ face into the messy counter top. It stank of dried blood, and there was a pile of disgusting looking flesh in the sink. He should have known better than to ask, but he blurted it out before he could call it back.

“What the hell is that mess in the sink Grill-em-right? Or should I ask, who was it?”

Grill-em-right rolled Jerry over, Jerry face up, and pinned him. Then he picked up the axe. “That was a guy named George W. He came up here with one of his buddies; a slop named Ronald McWorthless Dumbsfeld. We didn’t much like either one of ‘em. Those two greedy slops had a bad habit of draining our swamps and wetlands, and destroying our habitat at an unbelievable pace. We had to get rid of those two pricks real quick. Their sorry butts made some damn good greasy bar-b-que though. Now hold still and make this easy on both of us, stretch your neck out long and nice.”

Grill-em-right held the axe over Jerry’s head while Jerry sobbed aloud. He couldn’t believe he was going to die at the hand of an over grown culinary frog!

Then… “ZAPP, CRACK, Thud, bump and wiggle!”

Haze and steam, and a noisy clutter filled the stinking slaughter room. It quickly disoriented Grill-em-right. He tried to focus on Jerry’s wriggling body, but he was there one moment and gone the next. Jerry was fading in and out like a bad dream, until finally, he was gone completely, and this time, he wasn’t coming back.

Grill-em-right threw the beheading axe at the far wall and cursed! “NO NOT AGAIN! Andy, you little prick! Bring him back, Rappa-Slappa wants his dinner!”

The froggy demand fell on deaf ears. Andy wasn’t about to return Jerry for beheading! As the reality of another lost dinner settled in, Grill-em-right began to worry.

“What the hell will I serve the exalted one?”

A happy froggy smile broke over his Lathardian face. “YEAH! Oh hell yeah! I froze George W’s and that creep named Dumbsfeld’s legs! Rappa-Slappa was in the mood for ribs last week! I’ll get busy shavin’ and cookin’ up their scrawny legs. If Rappa-Slappa don’t look too close, he’ll never know the difference! One set of human legs is just as good as the next! Rappa-Slappa doesn’t need to know shit about Jerry getting away from me!”

While Andy made off with Jerry, Grill-em-right threw George W’s legs into the pot and set them to boiling. As the water came to a boil, he counseled himself.

“Keep a close eye on the stove Grill-em-right, you can’t afford to let ‘em over cook.” He remembered serving the Dumbsfeld legs to his toad-girl Row-beata. He wanted to impress her and it worked, froggy went a courtin’ that night! But with only one pair of human legs to his name, he wouldn’t have a second chance if he spoiled G. W’s legs by over cooking them. He grinned cautiously as he watched the pot come to a boil.

“There ain’t another pair of human legs to be served within three star systems! If you fuck this up, Rappa-Slappa will be having stewed Grill-em-right for chow tonight!”

 

Chapter 9: “Welcome to Varginnya!”

They materialized atop the central hall’s main platform with a loud “THUMP!” Jerry’s naked and well greased carcass slipped down three marble steps and came rest before the six foot tall Stink-a-dillo Prime Minister, Armadayos.

His head was spinning and his gut was churning. The impromptu trip across three time quadrants left him reeling. When he tilted his head back to look up, his head spun and his eyes refused to focus! He blinked twice and rubbed his eyes for clarity. Slowly, it was coming. He saw something. But what in blazes was that! He shook his head and blinked again, just to be sure he was seeing correctly. Then he exclaimed with horror!

“CHRIST in Heaven! What in Hell are you? And where in creation am I now?”

Minister Armadayos smiled, though it’s hard to tell when a Stink-a-dillo is smiling, and then he spoke.

“You are on the planet of Varginnya, and I am a Stink-a-dillo.”

Jerry frowned, “You’re a Stink-a-what?”

The stately Stink-a-dillo continued to explain. “I sent Andy to Leapfroggin to rescue you Jerry. We received reports that Rappa-Slappa-Stinka was holding you prisoner in one of his filthy, smelly underground caverns. Andy was sent to your rescue because we need your help here on Varginnya!”

Jerry didn’t like the tone of his voice or the threatening body language. It was all quite innocent, but Jerry didn’t yet understand Stink-a-dillo etiquette or nuance! He scurried away from the royal one while trying to hide his nakedness by laying both hands between his legs.

“Please, I beg you, can’t I have a few clothes? I’m tired of being put on display for you crazy zoo animals! I’m a man, not an illiterate species without shame or humility!”

Andy stepped forward and bowed, “May I bring his things sire?”

The high minister Stink-a-dillo nodded, “Yes, of course Andy. Make our guest comfortable. For now, he’ll be free to roam the gardens and enjoy our moderate climate here on Varginnya. But don’t let him roam too far. He must be presented to the entire court at several hundred hours. Dinner will be served at two wobble-gobbles past several hundred.”

Jerry stood and cupped his privates in both hands as he addressed the royal stink-a-dillo.

“Hey, royal big guy. Did you just mention dinner? Please, tell me that your royal dinner doesn’t include me as an appetizer! I just escaped from one human eating slime ball, please don’t eat me, please don’t!”

The majestic one bent forward, bowing at what looked like his waist, “I am not royal. I am Armadayos the elected ruler here on this quiet and peaceful planet. Let your mind be at ease Jerry! We stink-a-dillos don’t eat flesh. We are grain, nut, berries, and grass eaters. You’re hide, naked or clothed, is safe with us.”

Then he turned and gave the order. “Andy Stink-a-dillo, take him, and let him bathe. Then give him something appropriate to cover himself. Make him comfortable, allow him to exercise and then rest. Whatever he needs, provide it. Later, we will all gather to eat, rejoice, and plan our next move.”

Chapter 10: “Becky gets wind of her fate!”

She woke slowly, her eyes opening one at time. Her head was heavy, her eyes ached, and she felt dizzy as if she was drunk. She pushed up on her elbows, struggling to sit. “OWW, My land, what did that hag give me?”

When she was propped against the headboard, she scanned her surroundings. The room was bright and well lit. Muted sunlight flooded the room, a cool and pleasant breeze, scented with Magnolia, permeated the entire chamber. It floated into the room on a cool afternoon breeze, through a pair of open French doors, the sheer white drapes billowing softly in the air.

“So pretty, but why? Why am I here, why would Ms. Tite-Pantys want to help me?”

A loud cry from below her window broke the serene moment and she tilted her head to listen.

“NO STOP! Back up, over to the right, no, more to the left, that’s it, now drop it!”

Then she heard the loud hum and buzz of a tracker and she wondered, “What’s going on out there?”

“FRED, move in a little closer! That’s right, now lower it, careful, just a weenie bit more to the left.”

The crane lowered the huge metal disk into an empty hole that looked like a drained pool. When it came to rest Becky could see the intricate design cut into it. It had ridges too, but they were all joined in one long, rotating, ellipse that culminated halfway down the surface. The strange design cut into the middle of the disk resembled five keys. The shank of each key faced inward, and the space between them formed a nearly perfect circle.

Becky stared at it, pondering its significance when a knock at her door startled her. “KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!”

“OH, yes, who is it?”

“It’s me dear, miss Fretin-over-it! Miss Tite-Pantys is asking to see you in the dining room. Are you up to eating something solid?”

No, Becky didn’t want food, but this presented an opportunity to leave this room and ask some questions.

“Yes, I would like that immensely.”

The door opened and Becky slipped from the window and smiled happily at Carla.

“Oh Carla, I’m so glad there won’t be any more injections. I’m tired of sleep. Right now, all I want is to stretch my legs and get my circulation going again! Do you think Penelope would mind if I roamed the grounds? The gardens look just heavenly.”

Carla smile looked insincere and cautious as she answered, “Humm, well, maybe, but I think there’s some special work goin’ on below your window. So you’ll have to stay clear of that. But I’m sure Miss Tite-Pantys would be happy to have your opinion of her gardens, they are world class you know.”

Becky pulled a pink, silk robe over her delicate shoulders and followed Carla down the marble staircase.

“Oh Carla, such grand accommodations! Penelope is quite affluent, and bein’ here amongst all of this makes me feel a bit uneasy. I hope I won’t be stopped by the gardener as I walk the grounds.”

Carla laughed and tried to ease her reluctance, “Don’t worry about that Becky, this estate is completely open to you. Miss Tite-Pantys conveyed her orders quite clearly to the entire staff. Every one of us has been made fully aware of your identity and exactly why you’re here. You won’t get any unwanted intrusions or challenges from anyone on our staff.”

 

 

Chapter 11: “The Varginnyan feast!”

The traditional Varginnyan “head of state” feast was laid out on platters in the grand hall. Tables filled with skunk-cabbage-rolls, willda-nillda-beans, leafy plants steamed, leafy plants raw, and an array of dillo-stewed-tomatoes rounded out the traditional Stink-a-dillo smorgasbord! It was a virtual feast, for those who enjoy a vegetarian diet. Sadly, Jerry likes meat, but he was very hungry, and since his ass wasn’t on the menu, he made the best of what was served.

“It all looks Heavenly Armadayos! And these loose fitting trousers and cotton shirt feel great! Thank you sire.”

Large trays of grapes, berries, and nuts came out next. Armadayos fidgeted his paw and called out. “Cashews please! And bring me some hollyhock wine.” He smiled at Jerry and cautioned him, “Avoid anything made from Druidsroot Jerry. Two flickin mickins ago, we discovered the hard way, that Druidsroot is poison to humans such as your self.”

Jerry turned and spat the contents of his mouth onto the grassy knoll behind him, and asked, “Hey, what’s Druidsroot? What does that stuff look like, point to it so I know.”

Amradayos pointed to a large bowl filled with steaming hot tubers that resembled yams and hungrily rubbed his paws together. “UUMM, UUMM, now they look and smell really good to me, pass ‘em will you?”

Jerry eyed them with distaste and passed the bowl quickly, “I’m glad you warned me about ‘em, but hey, anything else on the table that’s untested on humans. I would hate to be your next, ‘Oops, now we’ll know better next time.’ story.”

The Stink-a-dillo host laughed and reassured Jerry, “There’s not another thing on this table, sickening or poisonous to humans. I assure you Jerry, you may eat whatever smells palatable to you. We’ve taken strict care to serve only those things that you can eat, the Druidsroot is the one exception, that’s why I pointed it out.”

Andy Stink-a-dillo paddled up beside Jerry with a feminine looking Stink-a-dillo by his side. “Jerry, this is Scalelinda, my wife. She’s asked to be introduced, do you mind?”

Jerry nodded and greeted them, “I’m glad to meet you Ms. Scalelinda. I’m eternally grateful to your husband for saving my hide from those repulsive Lathardians!”

The gentle little Stink-a-dillo smiled as demurely as a female Stink-a-dillo can, and cooed her response. “I so much wanted to meet you. I wanted to personally tell you just how much we Stink-a-dillo’s admire your wife, she’s a real inspiration to us all.”

Jerry’s head came up and his eyes flared with interest, “You know about Becky?”

Scalelinda seemed surprised at Jerry’s confusion. “My yes, silly, of course, and who doesn’t? Why she’s the talk of every tea and bar-b-que across this quadrant!”

Jerry turned to Andy and asked, “Why? What’s so special about Becky? Why would all you folks know so much about MY wife?”

Andy waddled from the table and stood before them all. “Armadayos, I pray you’ll allow me to disclose it now, please. He’s been threatened and nearly eaten by Rappa-Slappa. I think he needs to know the whole truth, now.”

Armadayos didn’t stand, but nodded his agreement, “Of course, I wanted to wait until everyone had eaten. But its fine Andy, you can tell Jerry the entire story now if you want to. He needs to know before we proceed with our quest.”

(Finding the Key.)

Andy hushed the buzzing crowd and asked them all to sit. “Everyone settle down, be quiet please!”

Stink-a-dillo scales clamored and rattled as Stink-a-dillos hurried to settle into their seats. When everyone was quiet, Andy began.

“Jerry, we brought you to here to Varginnya for your own safety, but more importantly, we need your help to save Becky. She’s in urgent danger, and if we don’t stop the Leap-froggintes from nabbing her, this entire quadrant will suffer under the dictatorial rule of Rappa-Slappa-Stinka’s hateful claws!”

Jerry shook his head nervously, “What are you babbling about Andy? Rappa-Slappa-WHO? Are you talking about that slime ball who tried to eat me for lunch?”

Armadayos stood and asked Andy to sit, and then he spoke for him, “Yes Jerry, Rappa-Slappa wants Becky, and believe me, he won’t stop until he’s found her, and locates her eternity key. He already has a set of three. If he’s allowed to find Becky’s and Miss Tite-Pantys’ our chances of staving off disaster will be seriously diminished, if not impossible.

Jerry shook his head trying to clear it. “Miss Tite_Panties? That snob and notorious tramp? What’s she got to do with this?”

“She and Becky share common spirit completeness that’s why both Penelope and Rappa-Slappa-Stinka lust to ingest Becky’s life force through the ritual of suck-a-soul-dry. In such a show down Rappa-Slappa-Stinka holds the best chance of winning this battle. He has the benefit of strength, age, and stature on his side.

Jerry jumped up and started to shimmy-shake like The Swingin’Blue Jeans on Hullabaloo.

“This isn’t possible! It’s insanity! Let me out of here, Christ let me wake up!”

Armadayos ordered two of his private guards, “Sedate him! Shoot him up with dull-a-dimm-witt juice! He must be silent so we can finish this quickly!”

Jerry resisted but it was fruitless. The dillo-nabbers grabbed him and him down while stick-the-loony-goon got out the hypodermic. Jerry shrieked in protest.

“No, oh god no, not another injection! I might be allergic, I might die!’

But when the sauce hit Jerry he felt much relieved. “UMMM, not bad. What’s in that sauce Mr Big Dillo Man?”

Armadayos sighed and continued. “Just be quiet for now Jerry and listen. Rappa-Slappa’s plan is to return to the province of Lathardia, on the planet Leapfroggin, with Becky at his side! He will already have performed a ritual to ingest Penelpopes’ spirit and will likely have possession of her eternity key. If he succeeds he’ll be even more powerful than he is now, and far harder to stop. He craves Becky’s vital life-force, in fact he needs it to become immortal. If he performs the final ritual, on his home planet of Lepfroggin, the process will be irreversible! Becky and he will be joined, but only Rappa-Slappa will have freedom and presence of consciousness. Becky in effect, will be silenced forever. Our only benefit is that he cannot perform this ritual for at least forty of your Earth years, as that’s how long it will take to fully process Penelope’s spirit into his own. We suspect he has plans to hold Becky in limbo until that time comes.”

Jerry slumped back and shook his head, “You must be joking! This is impossible; I must be stuck in a nightmare. Wake up Jerry, wake up!” Jerry landed a swift, ear splitting slap on his right cheek. It made a bright red imprint of his hand. “YOUCH! CHRIST!”

Andy ran to Jerry’s side and grabbed his hand, to prevent any further face slapping!

“NO JERRY! STOP THAT! No more self-abuse, you’re “not” dreaming! I promise you, you’re completely conscious! What we’re telling you is true, and the situation is gravely serious not just for you and Becky. If Rappa-Slapp succeeds, he will have sufficient power to enslave the entire Galaxy and possibly, the universe, because he will have an eternity to do it. Please calm yourself Jerry, and start acting like the man Becky needs you to be! We need your help, and we can’t wait another leap-froggin’ millisecond to gain it. Rappa-Slappa and his slimy toad men are preparing to abduct Becky this very Lathardian night. The soul stealing ritual that follows will be irreversible once it’s begun.”

 

 

Chapter 12: “Fill the lily pond with dry-ice and liquid nitrogen!”

“Back up George! Not so fast! Slower, back up just a bit farther. Yes, now STOP! That’s it! Now release the “Green-nitro-freeze-and-sneeze.” Stand back boys! That stuff leaves a mean freezer-burn if it gets on your skin.”

Penelope lingered at her upstairs window observing their work. The work continued at a fevered pace, it had to be done on time! The window glass reflected her amused smile as her hired workmen covered their mouths and noses and ran for cover. As the gaseous, liquid stink filled the pond and the air above it lay under a small cloud of stink-gas.

“CHRIST! Move it boys! That grimy slop smells like doo-doo!”

Penelope patted her hands together, silently applauding the progress as green stink ooze filled the pond. Her mind was already three soul-grabbing steps ahead. While her eyes were fixed on the pond, her mind was focussed on Rappa-Slappa-Stinka’s imminent arrival.

When she considered the price of failure, her eyes tightened into a tense frown. “Everything must be in place before he arrives. There’s no time for adjustments later. Everything must be perfect when the action starts. Each step must go off like clockwork, on the very first try, or I will pay with my life.”

But at her age, the threat of death seemed insignificant, and since the possibility of eternal consciousness lay within her grasp, she was eager for the time to come! As she saw it, she had nothing to lose and life itself to gain.

Years ago, she determined that she would turn the tables on Rappa-Slappa and make him sacrifice his life, for hers. The challenge was joined on Penelope’s fiftieth birthday when she received a mysterious envelope containing the Key with an enclosed note that read:

“Darling Penelope, you don’t know me. My name is Jumpin-through Hoops-again. I dwell on the planet Autos-4-sale. As I pass from this world and into the next, I have a stern warning for you. ‘BEWARE!”

She stopped reading and looked away. What kind of crazy prank was this, and who sent it? But she was compelled to read on.

“I have fallen victim to a powerful creature from the planet Leapfroggin. He identified me as a shareholder in “our” common spirit. He marked me for annihilation and ingestion by right of the ritual. I am too weak to best him today, and so, I will be silenced for eternity or for at least as long as it takes for someone to avenge me and release my captured soul. I pray my salvation will come through you! But in order for you to help me, you’ll need the enclosed key. Don’t lose it! Safeguard it with your life. For us, “you and me” this key embodies life itself.”

The unbelievable opening confused her, so she forced herself to read it twice, before continuing.

“Rappa-Slappa seeks this key, because it’s the key to returning my soul. Today, he silences me by ingesting my spirit during the rights of the ritual. But after performing the ritual of ‘Suck-a-soul-and-snort’ he wins only half victory. To make his conquest complete, he needs to take possession of my eternity key. This key alone, releases my spirit and allows it to fully merge with his. By so doing, he steps ever closer to eternity in his current form. Five eternity keys, five eternal deaths, will render him immortal. Be fearful, beware, and be diligent, he has three keys all ready. I beg you to ‘Hide” my key! Protect it, bury it in the deepest sea, and then, lure him to your side. And when he’s found you, destroy him! Only then will I be reborn elsewhere in the universe!”

If the first paragraph was hard to believe, the second was sheer fantasy! She recalled blinking her eyes, trying to clear her head before reading on.

“You Penelope, are his next victim. This vile creature seeks your life and your eternity key next. He needs you, because you are nearing the end of your natural human life. And you are one of the few remaining souls in the universe who share in his common spirit. His goal is to gather your shared common spirit into himself.

If this happens, he will escape physical death and rebirth elsewhere in the universe. This will ensure survival in his current form for all eternity. But there’s a terrible price to be paid for his good fortune. If he gets his way, you and I, and countless others will be forced to pay it. His eternal victory condemns each of us to an eternity of oblivion. We can not be reborn if he has our souls locked inside his physical body. The only way to release us is to destroy him. DO IT, and release my spirit, along with the myriad of others who already suffer in silence as he holds them inside his rapidly beating heart. We can’t be born again until he is dead. USE THE KEY! KILL HIM AND RELEASE US ALL!”

Along with the note and key, she found plans, diagrams, and technical layouts for the pond that was under construction at this very moment. It had to be constructed according to precise measurements. Then it had to be calibrated and adjusted to Rappa-Slappa’s size and weight. Gaining that data hadn’t been easy, it took years, and then decades. A person of less financial means, power, and influence, couldn’t have accomplished this task.

Luckily, she had the necessary resources, and good fortune gave her the longevity of life, required to locate Becky and build the lily pond. Today, she was ready, and not a Leapfroggin minute too soon. Rappa-Slappa had recently made his intentions quite clear. The digestion period for Jumpin-through Hoops-again had ended two froginite weeks ago! All Rappa-Slappa needed to complete the rights, was the key! With that done, Rappa-Slappa would be free to come for Penelope, and Becky too.

Becky would be captured and held. Her soul was on the waiting list! Penelope’s soul was next in line, and so she was in immediate danger. She was Rappa-Slappa’s next target. Her age and failing health made it imperative that she go next. If Penelope died before the ritual could be performed, her spirit would be reborn else where in time and space. If that happened, Rappa-Slappa would have to search the cosmos to locate the new entity containing her spirit! And that could take centuries!

No, Rappa-Slappa wanted to nab Penelope now, and he’d nab Becky right along with her. Becky could be contained until Penelope’s powerful spirit had been ingested and ultimately, assimilated into his powerful life force. That would take another forty to fifty years! Humans aren’t hearty; they have short life spans. So Becky would be held captive on Leapfroggin using an advanced system of cryogenics. That technique would insure Becky’s safe preservation until Penelope was completely assimilated. Yes, Becky would survive for a while longer, but if Rappa-Slappa got a hold of her, in what form, or sense would her life continue?

Loud voices below stopped her train of thought and moved her into action, “That’s it for now George! Move that crane out of here and return it to “Haulin’ and Maulin’ Central” You know Miss Tite-Pantys won’t pay another hours rental on idle equipment! And I ain’t havin’ another hours fee come out of my pay check again this week!”

She laughed with cruel delight while Harry quickly maneuvered the crane out of the back yard and through the gates of her country estate. She mused with delight as the men hurried to return the crane to the rental shop. Harry followed George into town with his beat up company truck.

“He’s as cheap as I am, that’s why I do business with him. He won’t waste my money, because, I make that loss, his loss.”

She left the window and turned her attention on Becky. She had to be kept off balance and under her control until she had served her purpose. Then, Becky could be taken directly to the cryogenic lab in Frostbite City where she’d be zapped, packed, and labeled for future freshness.

She spoke her next thought aloud, “And that label will be marked in bold letters! “HOLD” for safe keeping, until the year 2088.”

As she stood by the window, admiring the slime-a-grime slop pond, she laughed with demented joy. “HA! HA! HA! Oh Becky, you naive little fool! If you only knew why I brought you here! Using a Lathardian phrase, HA-LA-WALLA_SLOP-A-FOOL-A!”

 

 

13: “Prepare the “Cross Galaxy Catapult” boys!”

 

Dignitaries and guests were offering words of farewell when Armadayos led Andy and Jerry into his private chambers. The Coval Office is the highest office in all of Varginnya, named for its location on the “Cove of Loons.” The grand one settled into his large stuffed Stink-a-dillo nest. His armored hide clanked and creaked like a rusty door.

“Sorry for the noise Jerry, but getting old is such a chore. It seems that with each new year I have few more squeaks and clanks from scales I didn’t even know I had.”

When he was nestled down, he laid his paws on the Stink-a-dillo desk and opened the drawer. He pulled a squeeze tin of “Grease-a-squeak” fluid from the nest drawer and busied himself by oiling and relaxing his aching scales while he spoke.

“Andy, have Scale-a-Whale prepare the Sling-an-ass-a-pult! It’s a rough ride, but it’s the quickest way to hurl us all back into Becky’s world on time and all together. Once we’re there, we’ll use the Nag-finder, to locate Becky quickly! I had Mutton-lips calibrate the Nag-finder to Becky’s precise traits. We should locate her easily once we arrive. There’s not a moment to lose. If my intelligence is correct, Miss Tite-Pantys is already preparing to put Becky on cryogenic ice. She’s prepared the deep freeze unit in a remote and secluded place that my agents have not yet identified. Other souces indicate that Rappa-Slappa has prepared the Lima-Slima pod to hold Becky also, but his nag-freezer is, of course, on his home planet Lathardia. We have to stop Penelope and Rappa-Slappa before Becky disappears!”

While Jerry and Andy rustled nervously in their nests, the grand Stink-a-dillo picked up the dill-o-phone and began squeaking orders. “Hello Waddle-and-Grunt! Yes, its Armadayos. I have an urgent request! Have Stinking-up-the-place and Slop-a-Whop bring my private Ass-a-pult out of reptile balls and dust it off. It must be ready to hurl at six thumps past skunk-time! And Waddle-and-grunt, call me the stink-faced minute that ass-a-pult is ready!”

Armadayos slapped the dill-o-ciever into the cradle and waddled to the sidebar, picked up a large serving basket, and ate a green-mold-chip. As he licked his Stink-a-dillo lips, he spoke. “Now we wait. Skunk-cabbage dipped in rare Swampfalian mold and maulsa-sauce anyone?”

 

 

Chapter 14: “The Big Bright Green Freeze-a-Frog Machine!”

She strolled lazily through the open French doors. The sheer, floor length curtains rippled in the breeze. When she descended the three steps onto the patio, she disappeared quickly. Slinking, and slithering silently she made her way through the dense exotic garden that covers much of Miss Tite-Pantys estate. The dense, fragrant foliage was lush and filled with over sized fronds and trees. Dozens of old oaks hung heavy with Spanish moss and the smaller beds of roses and daffodils scented the air with sweet perfume. Countless fountains large, and small, filled with scores of tropical and regional water lilies misted the air with sweet lily scent.

“Sakes alive, Penelope must have more money tied up in this garden than most of us folks see in an entire year! This place is wonderful, so serene and invigorating!”

The buzz of locusts, bees, crickets joined the chirping of a dozen varieties of birds. It all came together in a rich symphony of natures making, and she reveled in it. She stopped to enjoy it fully by filling her lungs with sweet floral scents and wondered aloud.

“I wonder if Penelope understands how lucky she is to have a place like this to escape to.”

Just then, she heard something that didn’t fit the natural sounds surrounding her. It was faint at first, but became increasingly louder. The sound was dull, deep and forbidding, in fact it sounded wicked and threatening. “Now what could that be? Where is it coming from? It don’t fit this pretty place at all.”

She followed her ear, cautiously, because the thudding noise was gaining volume, and the closer she came to its origin, the more tense and uneasy she felt.

“Thud, thump, whomp, bump.” It was steady and rhythmic, like a giant’s footsteps thundering through the great Black Forrest.

“What in mercy sakes is that fretful noise?” She stopped dead when a sudden clank split the air. “WOW! Now that sounded ominous!” But when she listened again, no further sounds came to her ear. “DRAT! Now it’s stopped, and I’ll never locate the source.” She drew a deep breath and remembered her ability to feel things out, if she relaxed. “Do it now Becky, relax, and follow your instincts. They will guide you.”

Minutes later she entered a cool, underground cavern, and stood before it with her mouth hanging open. It was immense, human sized, and it radiated light and heat. It was in the shape of a large lima bean, and it glowed green luminescence! Looking at it made Becky hungry for a bowl of delicious baked lima beans with a loaf of hot, fresh, oven baked bread! But that indulgence would have to wait! Right now, she needed answers.

As she stepped closer, she saw an inscription. She had to step closer to read it. Squinting in the poor light, she finally got it all. “Becky Lorraine Lynnwood” “May 20^th, 1975, female, A+, packaged on June 20, 2004.”

As the words sank in, she puzzled, “What is this strange thing, and why is MY name and birth date inscribed on it?” As she stood nearer, considering it’s significance, the object began to glow brighter, and suddenly she went weak in the knees. She was going to pass out! Fighting to stay conscious, she took three steps backward and fell to the ground. Her final statement died on the breeze.

“Jerry, oh Jerry I need you! Where are you Jerry, where have they taken you?”

Then she passed out cold.

Chapter 15: “NOT ANOTHER LIMB REMOVAL!”

She woke to find Carla and Penelope standing over her bed, but she didn’t recognize them. She was still in her frantic dream as she lashed out, flailing her arms like a mad octopus! “No, please don’t remove my leg! Get away! Put that saw away! Not another limb removal!”

Then recognition hit her and she settled back looking dazed and confused. “Oh lands, where am I? Carla? How did I get back here? Who brought me here?” Carla gave Miss Tite-Pantys a sad, inquisitive stare then Becky turned to Penelope, “Penelope, please explain. The last thing I remember is Carla servin’ me some tea.”

Penelope smiled and Carla winked, “Now don’t you worry dear, you had a bad fall at the bottom of the stair. Don’t you feel the knot on your head?”

Becky tested the back of her head, “OUCHIE OWWIE!” She dropped back into the pillow with her head reeling, she felt dizzy and disoriented. “How Penelope, tell me, how did I manage to do this?”

“We’re not exactly sure dear, the butler, “Bobby Bring-it-quick” found you passed out cold, and he called me immediately. That’s when I asked Harold Lunk-the-junk to bring you back up here. You’ve been unconscious for more than two hours.”

Becky squinted with concern, “Two hours? Are you sure, I mean, I don’t remember anything at all.”

Miss Tite-Pantys’ smile was sinister, but Becky didn’t notice. She was still trying to remember. Penelope patted Becky’s hand tenderly. “There now Becky, don’t’ take on so. I’m sure it’ll all come back to you in time. Don’t fret about any of it. Right now, I want you to relax. And while you do, I’ll have Beatrice Big-Buttons bring some soup and crackers. You haven’t eaten dear.”

Becky didn’t seem to understand Penelope’s words until she picked up the in house phone and ordered. “Yes Carla, have Beatrice send a cup of that delicious ‘snapper-and-flapper’ soup to Becky’s room. And Carla, be sure she puts a few of those wonderful ‘Snitel-Witzz’ crackers and some strawberry preserves onto the tray with it.”

Becky lay silently while Penelope ordered her meager dinner. Her mind ached with questions, and soon, she was drifting, lost in thought, trying to recall what happened. Why couldn’t she remember?

Penelope smiled as she fluttered from the room. “I’ll check on your condition later dear. Carla and I will be right here if you need us. Just ring the bell Becky. One of us will return quicker than greased lightning.”

Becky tried to smile as Penelope hurried Carla through the door ahead of her. “Hurry now Carla, we have other pressing matters to attend!”

Chapter 16: “RIDING THE INTER-GALACTIC WINDS OF TIME.”

Space travel can be intense, very tiring, and quite stressful. Jerry was one of the unfortunate souls who didn’t tolerate the swift and stressful travel on the Time-beam.

Turning to Andy he slapped a hand to his mouth and complained, “How much longer until we get there?”

Andy checked his Stink-a-dillo watch, “Not much longer now Jerry. Try to relax. Tensing up makes the butterflies much worse. I’ve seen it a thousand times.”

Just then, the ass-a-pult hit a jarring time bump and Jerry’s feet came up and off the floor, jarring his entire body. It was one bump too many for Jerry.

“Oh God, Oh Lord I’m sick.”

“PUCK, GRUNT, BARF, HURL, YUCKIE YUCKS!”

Andy Stink-a-dillo shook his head sadly and watched Jerry empty his stomach of Stink-a-dillo delicacies.

“Oh no Jerry, look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined my new waist coat.”

Poor Andy Stink-a-dillo was covered with Jerry’s illness! That’s when Andy stepped into action. He picked up his inter-space phone and called headquarters, “Send Freddy Barf-and-lick-it-up right away! Put him on the Stinkin-winkin express to Earth immediately! It’s an emergency! I’ll be waiting for him, so don’t goof around! I must look my best when I negotiate with Rappa-Slappa!”

Armadayos stood back, covering his nose and staying clear of Jerry’s whirling illness! When Jerry regained composure, he held his head up and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “Oh Christ, I’m sick. Get this damn thing back on dry ground! I can’t stand much more.”

Armadayos nodded and pointed, “Look! We approach your solar system now! Just a few Flicks and clicks more and.” Before he could finish, the ride was over, and Jerry collapsed at Armadayos’ feet. Armadayos sneered and stepped over Jerry’s illness and into the open. Outside he spoke. “Well, seems we’ve made it. Now all we have to do is find Becky.”

He took out the Nag-finder and pressed the seek button. “We should have a lock on her any second now.” But before another syllable escaped his squeaking throat, a loud thunderous noise split the serene calm. “What is this?”

Armadayos spread the limbs of several lush trees and saw an entire herd of Stink-a-saurs stampeding their way!

“ANDY! You fool! We’re ten-million skunk-years too early. Take us ahead in time before we’re all killed and eaten by this herd of stink-a-suarus!”

Andy worked quickly, calibrating the time dial for many eons later in Earth history, while the Stink-a-saurus herd closed in on them. Jerry’s eyes fixed on the approaching herd as the earth trembled beneath their tremendous weight.

While Jerry cowered at his feet, Armadayos prompted Andy to hurry, “NOW ANDY! Get us out of here, NOW!”

The herd was just a few short yards away and thundering down on them with furious speed! Jerry thought he was dead meat, when suddenly, things went blurry, and his head began to whirl.

“NO NOT AGAIN!” The buzz in his head and the sick feeling in his gut told him they were once again, moving through space and time on the whirling ass-a-pult! Lord how he hated this!

“GOD GET ME OFF THIS THING, GET ME TO BECKY NOW!” Just then, his bowel lost control, and the odor knocked Armadayos off his feet!

“Varginnyan Gods and stars in heaven! What’s that fowl and revolting odor!” Then he saw the liquid stink escaping Jerry’s khaki Bermuda shorts. The ugly stink ooze ran down both legs like filthy rivers of sewage!

Jerry hung his head between his knees and barfed again. The bounty of the Varginnyan feast escaped his churning stomach and bowel by heave, squeeze, and hurl.

“I’m sorry, but that feast food made me diarhetic! Oh lord. I’m sick, I’m so sick!”

“CLUMP! BUMP! THUD! And SLAM!”

The ass-a-pult jerked to a loud and sudden stop. “WHACK!”

Armadayos jumped from the ass-a-pult holding his nose and barking orders to Andy, “Clean him! Get those filthy things off his barfing hide and throw him into the nearest stream! He stinks like a grime-a-slime from Swamp-falia.”

Andy frowned and stood back as he prodded Jerry to move, quickly. “Jerry, I know you’re sick. I can see how badly the ass-a-pult has affected you, but we MUST hurry. There’s not a second to lose. Follow me, we have to clean you up before we can continue.”

Jerry’s head was spinning like a top, and his stomach ached like wildfire, but his gut was empty, and now that he was free of the ass-a-pult, maybe his churning stomach would settle down too.

“Andy, but take it easy. Not so fast. I know time is of the utmost importance, but I’m sick, very sick.”

Andy walked a few whiffs ahead as he guided Jerry to the riverbank. “Here Jerry, you can clean yourself in the Dump-a-ware River. I expect Freddy Barf-and-lick-it-up to be here at any moment. He’ll have a complete change of clothes for you, and a fresh waist coat for me.”

Jerry waddled into the waters of the Dump-a-ware and submerged his stinking body. Just then a loud “ZZAPP and CRACK” split the air. Andy turned with a happy smile.

“GOOD! Look there Jerry! Our clothes have arrived. Bathe quickly, and jump into your fresh clothes. Armadayos is eager to find Becky.”

Chapter 17: “Rappa-Slappa-Stinka sends out the guard.”

“They’ll be waiting for us. Our mole on Varginnya tells me that Armadayos and Andy have Jerry with them, on Earth. They await us this very minute, and of course, they are seeking Becky. We MUST find her first!”

Then the regal frogman turned and ordered, “Bring Grill-em-right! He failed me again! He allowed Jerry to escape and he served George W’s legs to me instead! He never told me that Jerry had escaped!”

While the guard ran to apprehend Grill-em-right, Rappa-Slappa called an audience of his highest subjects. The royal proclamation echoed through the halls of Toad-Manor!

“ALL TOADY SUBJECTS ENTER THE FLOGGING HALL AND BE SEATED!” When Rappa-Slappa’s audience was assembled, he addressed them.

“NOW MY TOADFACED SUBJECTS! YOU WILL WITNESS WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE WHO FAIL ME!” He turned and nodded to the Toad Captain, “BRING HIM!”

They dragged Grill-em-right forward by his flailing arms, his webbed hands clutching at columns and other objects, trying to prevent the inevitable. He was brought before Rappa-Slappa and thrown down at his feet. Be began to grovel right away.

“NO SIRE! I BEG YOU, PLEASE HAVE MERCY!”

Rappa-Slappa ignored the chef’s plea and nodded to the captain of the guard. The obedient toad-trooper stood back. Rappa-Slappa peered down at the royal chef with sad froggy eyes, and in a near whisper, he addressed him.

“I’m sorry Grill-em-right, but if you had told me that Jerry escaped, at the very moment when it happened, we could have followed him, and maybe recaptured him. His escape isn’t your fault, but it’s your fault that I’m so far behind Armadayos. And for that you must be punished.”

Mash-in-a-flash stepped forward. An ugly, sinister grin lit his froggy face as he sneered at his pleading, and now sobbing victim. “Please, I beg you Rappa-Slappa, please don’t let Mashy-boy hurt me.”

But his plea was fruitless, Rappa-Slappa turned his back and gave the order.

“Make it good Mashy, I want everyone to witness what happens to those who cross or fail the Frog-Meister!”

The correctional frogman displayed the menacing toad-a-welter to the entire audience before putting it into motion. As the tormenting weapon flew high over head, the crowd roared with sad and mournful anticipation.

“RIBBIT”S IN HEAVEN! Don’t look, cover your toad-bulging eyes!”

The weapon resembled a round ball studded with menacing barbs that could strip the hide from a Phant-a-saurus! While Grill-em-right sobbed, Mashy-boy swept into action. When it thrashed down on Grill-em-right’s bowed back, he groaned pitifully, and passed out cold.

Mash-in-a-flash turned to Rappa-Slappa for direction. It seems to the correctional frog, that the first blow did the trick! But Rappa-Slappa wanted more, much more!

“Beat him again, and continue to beat him, until he’s seconds from death. When he’s nearly drained of life, take him to the Infrogery and have Mend-em-quick minister to him. I want him punished severely! But don’t kill him, not yet, I need Grill-em-right alive. I have important plans for him. Later, he will serve me quite handily.”

Grill-em-right’s beating continued while the crowd turned their heads in pity and horror. After observing the crowd’s pained faces, the royal frogman exited the hall in a flurry of robes and orders.

“They’ll all think seriously before crossing me! Now, prepare yourselves! We leave for Earth in ten skunk-breaths!”

Chapter 18: “Where has my Becky gone?”

Barf-and-lick-it-up was busy cleaning the inside of the ass-a-pult, tonguing it down carefully. He knew Armadayos wouldn’t stand for one particle of revulsion in his private ass-a-pult! The underling Stink-a-dillo yummy yummed as he worked.

“Not too bad Jerry, I’ve had better illness and crap, but it’ll do.”

Jerry turned his head in disgust, “YUCK! You damn hog! I thought Stink-a-dillos ate veggies, not puck and crap!”

Andy grabbed Jerry by the arm and silenced him, “Hush Jerry, Freddy has been goon-washed for this kind of work. If you talk about it too much, he may need refresher gooning, and we don’t have time to put him through remedial goon training!”

Jerry pulled on his fresh trousers just as Armadayos stepped up behind them and started barking orders.

“Freddy, when its clean, cover that machine with branches. Be certain that my ass-a-pult is spotless by the time we return!” Then he turned to Andy and Jerry, “Faster, both of you, we haven’t much time! I sense that Rappa-Slappa has found us out. He’s not sure of our exact position, but he will be here soon, we must put some distance between us.”

Andy Stink-a-dillo agreed, “Yes sire, I understand the need for speed. Jerry please hustle, your dear wife’s very life depends on our success.”

Jerry tucked the white cotton shirt into his pants and slipped into the crudely made sandals, when he was done, he smiled happily and announced! “I’m ready, let’s go Andy, take me to Becky.”

Armadayos nodded and Andy took out the Nag-finder, “We’ll have a lock on Becky very soon sire. This nag-finder will locate her exact placement with-in ten waddle lengths!”

Jerry watched with curious glee as Andy raised the nag-finder over head and pressed the “LOCATE THE NAG NOW!” button. He was eager to know where Becky was. While the Nag-finder buzzed, flashed and squealed, Jerry jumped up and down with excitement. He looked just like a child at the park as he cried with joy!

“FIND HER ANDY! Find my Becky now!”

Andy didn’t speak. His eyes were glued to the display screen of the nag-finder. Then the screen lit up and a repeating honk emanated from the nag-finder.

“Honk, honk, honk!”

It sounded just like a Canadian goose! Andy checked it twice before turning to Armadayos and announcing the findings. “It’s just as we suspected sire, she’s been taken to Penelope Tite-Pantys’s estate. But there’s more sire, our worst fears have been realized. It looks as if Penelope does in fact, have the key.”

Armadayos sank to his Stink-a-dillo knees and dropped his head. “Oh Jerry, I feared this. And our task has just been made more difficult, and much more dangerous. Penelope will hold Becky away from us at all costs. We prepared for Penelope, but the key? No we didn’t’ expect this.”

Jerry looked confused as Armadayos continued, “Rappa-Slappa is cunning and powerful. If he succeeds in taking the key away from Penelope, his strength will increase threefold. He has two keys already. If he gets five, the universe will suffer for it. Rappa-Slappa and his marauding pack of toad-troopers will dominate us all. Sheer Lathardian Hell will rein through out ten star systems!”

Jerry saw abject fear in his Stink-a-dillo friends’ faces. He saw clearly that they feared defeat. But he was determined to have Becky back before they turned tail and ran! He wasn’t about to let them give up.

“Look guys, you have the ability to travel through space and time. Surely, you can manage to save Becky from this nagging hag named Penelope BEFORE Rappa-Slappa shows up. Come on guys, don’t give up yet, we haven’t even tried. What’s the worst that could happen anyway?”

Jerry didn’t like the desperation in Armadayos eyes as he answered, “The worst that Penelope could accomplish, is to send our souls into the remote ‘whirl-and-barf-forever’ wind tunnel. Souls lost in there suffer an eternal existence of dizzy heads, sick stomachs, and continual barfing. It’s sheer misery Jerry, I assure you.”

Jerry held his stomach and stepped back, “Worse than I just experienced in the Sling-an-ass-a-pult?”

Andy spoke up looking truly worried, “Much worse Jerry, because it never stops! It’s forever! Eternal torment in Barf-bag city! And to make things more revolting, the keeper of the wind tunnel pipes in the music of Air Slopply, just to insure that everyone stays good and ill!”

Jerry considered the sobering consequences before jumping into action. “We’ll suffer a terrible fate if we fail, but we must go forward, we can’t give into them now. Becky told me about those repellant frog creatures and I wouldn’t listen! I have a chance to make it up to her now, and save the universe at the same time. I say we go for it.”

Armadayos was just finishing a silent Varginnyan prayer. When he said his, “ARM_A_DILLO_MEN” he turned and spoke to Jerry. “There was never a question about whether we would continue our quest Jerry. The question was, “Should YOU be allowed to join us.” I have prayed for the answer, and the answer is YES. Come, we follow the Nag-finder. We’ll have Becky in our sites in less than twenty skunk-breaths.”

Chapter 19: “Checking into Penelope’s Lily-Pond Hilton.”

He had the co-ordinates set for the location of the key. Penelope knew to expect it, so she had the key placed into a lead box, which now lay out of sight, at the bottom of the lily pond. Rappa-Slappa’s homing device would surely find it, and bring him right into the midst of the pond! She wouldn’t get a second chance, so everything had to go perfectly the very first time.

She looked like wicked queen Zorra as she ordered, “Groan-and-Moan! Check the pond, and be sure the injectors are ready. Make certain the bottled freeze-an-amphibian nitro-gas is in place! We won’t have time or opportunity to make adjustments when Rappa-Slappa shows up with his pack of slimy toads!”

The young servant huffed and puffed as he shuffled out of the room, complaining about his endlessly busy existence. “Should a been born rich. Tired of moving things, tired of fixing things. I need a vacation in Lay- and-Laze Land.”

He was just approaching the pond when a blinding flash of light, accompanied by a ripping and pounding noise stopped him dead in his tracks. Gary Groan-and-moan covered his eyes with his right arm and cowered behind a few bushes as the noise grew to an ear splitting intensity. Just when he thought his eardrums would bust, the racket stopped.

He fell to his knees, staring at the small band of Lathardian Frogmen, standing knee deep in the lily-pond. It didn’t take long for the goons to kick back and take advantage of the smelly but luxurious toad accommodations.

“Now this is the kind of welcome I can learn to appreciate boys!” Rappa-Slappa lay back and began ribbitting, then he swam from side to side in the large, made to order pond, built according to Miss Tite-Pantys’s explicit diagrams.

As Rappa-Slappa disappeared under water, the frog guard took time to check the perimeter of the artificial pond. He didn’t like the feel of this place, it seemed too perfect, and no human would have need or cause to create this kind of luxurious pond. So why was it here, and how did the builder know exactly what dimensions to use for Lathardian society? Even the lush under brush and large fronds and ferns were intended to attract Lathardian visitors.

“Stand back Beat-a-louse, I have to take a few measurements, I need to look for traps and poison. This pond may be a trap.”

Beat-a-louse looked uneasy when Fret-and-Worry began his sub-surface inspection of the pond, “Should I grab the boss? Hey, Fret-and-Worry, should I make the boss get out?”

“Not until I complete this inspection, he’s content and having a good time bathing in this stink-pond. If we disturb him, and my fears are all just a figment of my over active imagination, he’ll have us flogged, just like poor old Grill-em-right. You don’t want that do you?”

Beat-a-louse was about to answer when a gentle hissing sound filled their ears, and then, they felt suddenly sleepy, and unable to keep their eyes open. As green mist encircled them, the two frogmen passed out cold, and collapsed below the stinking waters in the stink-pond. Penelope watched happily from above. Her victorious smile showed plainly on her face, and she laughed aloud when Rappa-Slappa emerged to find his guard toads missing. When he found himself alone, he tried to escape the pond, but the cloud of green knock-out-mist was thick, and he quickly succumbed to its sedating influence.

“What’s happening, where did Frettin and Beaten get to? Where did they…”

His words stopped abruptly and his head began to spin, his froggy stomach hurt too, and then he dropped like lead. He fell back with a loud splash that sent green spray and foot high waves out in all directions. When the water lapped above the ponds outer rim Rappa-Slappa disappeared below the green waters of Penelope’s made to order “Lathardian Lily-pond.”

When it was clear that the freeze-an-amphibian nitro-gas had done it’s job, Penelope called to Gary from above. “Call for the boys Gary, and work quickly! The gas wears off in just thirty minutes! They must be bound and dragged to the underground caverns before they wake! And Gary, be sure Becky’s Lima-cocoon is ready too. Come to me when it’s been done. The guests arrive at eight tonight!”

Chapter 20: “All Out of Goons?”

The radio was playing Air Slopply’s “I’m All Out Of Goons” when she heard the commotion below. She ran to the window just in time to see three of “THEM!” GOD NO THEY’RE HERE! They’re here again! They’ve come for us all!” She stared in horror as Rappa-Slappa took his leave to bathe in the large lily-pond. “That ravenous frog-face stole my Jerry! Well, I’ll fix him when I get my hands on his slimy hide!”

She didn’t hesitate long enough to see the frogmen fall and disappear below the waters of the pond. She ran from the room in hysterics. By the time she reached the parlor, Penelope’s hired hands had removed the entire pack of Lathardians from the pond. They were now in the process of putting them on ice.

“CARLA, THAY”RE HERE! RUN! THEY”VE COME FOR US ALL! WE MUST FIND PENELOPE! WE MUST WARN HER! SHE MUST GET THE SERVANTS OUT BEFORE THEY SLICE, DICE, BROIL, AND INGEST US ALL!”

Carla stood by the French doors with her back turned, studying the foliage at the edge of the gardens. She expected to see the Stink-a-dillo brigade rustling through the underbrush at any moment. She turned to face Becky and forced a smile. She didn’t understand where Becky found the strength to stand! The knock-out-drop she gave her was extra strength, potent enough to put an elephant under!

She walked slowly to her side and tried to make her sit. “Becky? Sit dear, you look tired and shaky. Sakes alive, what are you doing out of bed? The doctor told us to keep you in bed and off your feet!”

Becky shook her head, “NO CARLA! I can’t lay around here while everyone else is in danger!” She stood boldly before Carla, and began to rant frantically, “Carla! We must find Penelope this very minute! We need her help to run ‘em out! They came to take us all back to Lathardia with them! They want to enslave us, they want to turn us all into mindless frog serving goons! They’re ravenous I tell you! Hungry, and ready to eat all of the time, eat, eat, eat! That’s all those ugly worms do!”

Carla stared at Becky with distrust, she plainly saw Becky’s volatile condition, and it frightened her. Carla had her orders, and running Lathardian storm troopers from the premises wasn’t part of it. No, she had to find a way to quiet Becky down and then, get back into bed. One way or another, Becky had to be kept out of sight until Penelope was ready for her.

“ALL RIGHT BECKY! Calm down and I’ll help you!”

Becky stared at her as if she hadn’t understood. “You’ll help me? Then, you must believe me. You know about them don’t you? Heaven’s Carla, why didn’t you tell me that you knew about them?”

She had to be careful, she couldn’t disclose too much, just enough to gain her confidence, and then, she’d zap her! “I couldn’t say too much in Penelope’s presence. Becky, I don’t how it’s possible, but she doesn’t believe a word of it. I seen ‘em all right, several times over the past year, prowlin’ ‘round the grounds like thieves in the night. They’re repulsive, ugly, and they smell just dreadful! I even seen how they leave a disgusting slime trail behind themselves like a filthy slug!”

Becky nodded her head with each of Carla’s proclamations, yes, Becky saw plainly that Carla had seen the repellent warthogs! Carla clearly understood the severity of this situation. Maybe she could actually help her. “Oh Carla, you don’t know how glad I am to meet a body who believes me! No one else ever has!” Her joy at finding a commiserating soul pushed her over the edge, and she wept with glee!

“BOO HOO! SOB-A-WOBB-A SOBB-A! SOBB-A WOBB-A BOB-BA!”

Becky laid her head on Carla’s shoulder and wept freely while Carla patted her shoulders reassuringly. “Now, now, Becky, it’s quite alright, I promise you dear, I do indeed know all I need to know about them. I seen ‘em myself, and yes, I will help you. But listen to me now!” She raised Becky’s head and looked her in the eye. “You gotta get right back into bed and stay there. You must stay hidden until I have things ready. You see, I’ve been expecting this and I have a few tricks ‘a my own planned for them ugly parasites!”

Becky smiled and dried her eyes. “Plans you say? Oh Carla, let me help you. They’ve made my life miserable for so long. I want to help you to bring them down! Let me assist, let me go with you.”

But Carla was insistent. “OH MY, NO Becky. Miss Tite-Pantys would NEVER allow it. She doesn’t know about my plans, and she can’t be allowed to stop them! If she gets wind that you’ve left your room, she’ll come looking. And then she’ll put a stop to everything. Don’t you see Becky? You can best help me, by stayin’ right here, you will act as my smoke screen. She won’t suspect anything if she thinks you’re right here where you belong.”

She hated to admit it, but it sounded completely logical and Carla was so convincing. Penelope was wise to hire her, she was a grand liar! “Alright then Carla, I’ll do just as you say. But promise me that you’ll come to me when it’s all been done. I want to see them brought down! They owe me! And I want to see ‘em suffer for the misery they’ve caused me!”

Becky allowed Carla to return to her room, and she promised Becky she would indeed be on hand to see the demise of the Lathardian amphibians! “I wouldn’t have it any other way. You above all others deserve to see them get what’s comin’ to ‘em!”

As she pushed Becky ahead of her, and into the bedroom, she continued to explain. “Now you must do just as I say Becky, if you want me to fix ‘em, you must get back into bed, and stay right there. We haven’t much time left. They’re prowling the grounds, right now, working on an evil plot to subdue us all! I must get busy before it’s too late.”

Becky settled into bed, and peered through the windows. The afternoon sun was friendly and bright. She wondered how such evil treachery could be unfolding under such warm and radiant sun filled skies.

Carla poured a glass of water and stood by the bed. “Now I want you to drink this Becky, no sass! You’re still dehydrated, and the doctor says you can’t be allowed on your feet until we correct that! If you want to be able to stand long enough to see those toads get zapped, then you must drink, every bit of it now, drink it all, bottom’s up dear!”

Becky sipped heartily then smiled as she drained the glass and then sat it on the nightstand by the bed. “There Carla! Every drop, just like you said. Now go, and make those toad men pay!”

Carla left the room quietly and closed the door. She lay her ear to the door listening. “It shouldn’t take long. The sedative in that glass could knock out a hippopotamus in ten seconds!” Seconds later, she heard Becky snoring like an old cow! But Carla wasn’t gleeful, in fact, her sad down turned eyes revealed her true nature.

Carla was a gentle soul, and the longer she worked with Becky, the more her heart ached for her plight. But what could she do? She worked for Penelope, and she owed her loyalty to her employer. Penelope paid her too well for Carla to ever consider betraying her.

She had a job to do, and she had do it, she would do it. She didn’t like Penelope’s cruel plan for Becky. If the plot involved a mean and nasty slop like Sheena Whoppin-big-slop, she wouldn’t give it a second thought! But Becky was different. Becky truly cared about others, and Carla hated conspiring against her this way. But it was already done, and she had to move on. She turned on her heals and ran to report her success to Penelope. Time was wasting for them all!

Chapter 21: “A Pond Full of Trouble Dead Ahead.”

Andy heard the loud splash and his keen nose picked up the scent. “We’re closing in on them sire. Something odd, I don’t quite understand. I smell the loathsome odor of a Lathardian lily-pond!”

Armadayos raised his head and sniffed loudly. “SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF!” First he was puzzled but then he seemed to understand. “It’s Penelope, Miss Tite-Pantys must have built a lily-pond to trap Rappa-Slappa and his band of ribbitting thugs!”

They hurried forward and peered through the boxwood hedging. Jerry’s eyes bugged when he saw three big goons dragging the unconscious frogmen from the pond. He was just about to yelp, “THANK GOD! THEY GOT ‘EM!” When Andy slapped a paw to his mouth and hushed him.

Andy shook his head NO and whispered, “Hush Jerry, not a sound.”

Jerry understood that his initial instinct to celebrate was wrong. There was something else going on here. He understood by Andy’s demeanor that his freedom could be in jeopardy if they were discovered lurking in the bushes. He nodded his understanding and waited for Armadayos to give the order.

When Penelope’s goon platoon had the small trailer loaded down with toad men, they drove off toward the opposite side of the estate. Armadayos, Andy, and Jerry watched with curious eyes as the vehicle bounced along the narrow woodland trail. Armadayos kept his eyes focused on the trailer until it disappeared amongst the lush canopy of oak, cypress, and elm. When it was gone from view, Armadayos turned and addressed them.

“We must follow them, but more important, we must follow quietly and stay out of sight. We must not be discovered. Penelope is not our friend. She has an ulterior motive for shielding Becky from the Lathardians, and I believe her motive is the same as Rappa-Slappa’s. Penelope shares Becky’s spirit, and she lusts to ingest it.”

All this talk of eating and digesting something as intangible as a spirit confused Jerry to distraction! He didn’t understand any of it and he was getting a bit tired of feeling so ignorant. He was about to ask, “WHAT IN HELL DO YOU MEAN?” When Andy stopped him.

“Hush Jerry! I see you have questions about this, but we don’t have the luxury of time to explain. Just trust us for a little while longer. You will come to see that Armadayos is telling you the truth. And Jerry, if Penelope is holding Becky for the reason Armadayos just mentioned, she’ll fight to her dying breath to keep Becky hidden away from us. Our “one opponent” battle has just become a “two front” war.”

As they hurried through the underbrush, Andy’s words began to sink in and Jerry was suddenly frightened for Becky’s safety. The speed of the Stink-a-dillos amazed him. They looked clumsy, encumbered by short legs, armored backs and a funny little wiggle in their step. But despite all of that, their pace was quite rapid! And now, they were just coming upon Penelope’s work crew. Armadayos saw them first, raised his right paw, and hissed in horror!

“SSSSave Ussss LORD SSSScaleSSSS and TailSSSS.”

The ugly scene unfolding outside the cavern was blood chilling and brutal. Even Lathardian henchmen deserve better treatment than this! Rappa-Slappa’s security guard and the Lathardian muscle man were both strung up to posts by their arms, and the beating they just received left them oozing green-yellow Lathardian blood! Rappa-Slappa was chained to a tree, where he was forced to witness the brutal assault on his landing party.

Penelope’s henchmen laughed as they moved from one Lathardian to the next, whipping, beating, and cutting them open with ten-inch blades. The Lathardian’s agonizing cries split the serenity of this woodland sanctuary as the razor sharp blades tore deep into their hides. Rappa-Slappa turned his head in horror as his henchmen croaked their mutual pain.

“Tell us where the keys are hidden, or we’ll gut them both!” Rappa-Slappa knew his men wouldn’t betray him. Not because they were so totally loyal, but because they didn’t know the location of the keys. Both of these toad men were chosen for this mission on the merits of their devotion to duty. But even the most trusted frog in arms can crack when subjected to torture. Not at first, but later as the pain and intensity of the assault becomes acute. If it goes on long and the methods of torture are viscous enough, any sensible frogman would reveal the location of the keys in order to spare themselves any further “inlathardian” torture, and possible death.

That’s exactly why Rappa-Slappa “never” disclosed the location of HIS keys to anyone. He alone knew where his keys were stored. And although it pained him to watch two of most trusted henchmen suffer this way. He was more than willing to allow both of them to make the ultimate sacrifice of their lives in order to protect the safety of “his” keys. He’d worked too long and hard to gather those keys, and NO ONE was going to take them from him now. He needed just two more, in order to win the ultimate prize, “Eternity in any form he choose!”

Fret-and-worry croaked pathetically when Penelope’s mindless henchman rubbed salt into his open wounds! “CROAK-A-HOLE-A-MOLE-A! STOP PLEASE STOP!” The frogman’s bulging eyes ran with green tears as the course salt burned and tormented his beaten body.

While Fret-and Worry reeled with pain, Muscle-head moved on to Beat-a-louse. Now that he’d used the salt trick on one frogman, it seemed too mundane and ineffective to try again. So, for Beat-a-louse he had a new and more interesting torment in mind. He pulled a pint bottle from his nasty bag of tricks and chuckled with menacing glee.

“Now its your turn you inhuman slug, take a look at what I saved for you’re ugly ass.”

Upon seeing the label, the frogman cried out in horror!

“NO NOT THAT! AND CERTAINLY NOT WITHOUT COOKING OIL!”

Muscle-head ignored the frogman’s woeful plea and stood over his victim with the open bottle. Then he poured half a quart of “bitter-as-hell” vinegar into his open wounds.

The froggy captive croaked and cried with deep Lathardian misery!

“RIBBIT-JIBBIT-GRIBBIT! AHHHAAAH! UGHHIE-YUGGIE-MUGGIE! STOP, PLEASE Rappa-Slappa, make ‘em stop, I can’t stand it!”

Rappa-Slappa struggled against his bonds trying to get to his captors. He wanted to strangle them, skin them alive, and ultimately, throw them both onto the bar-b-que and grill them alive! But most of all, he wanted to spare his comrades this cruel and bitter suffering!

“Stop this inlathardian abuse, you’re treating my men with unjustifiable cruelty and needless brutality! Kill them if you must, They’re warrior frogs! They understand how to conduct themselves in a fair fight, and they understand that to die in battle is part of their duty, but stop this unfair torture! They don’t deserve this!”

“Muscle-head” turned on Rappa-Slappa and threw salt into his bulging frog eyes.

“HOWL-LA-WOW-LA-PROW-LA!” Rappa-Slappa cried out bitterly, and while his mouth was wide open, Muscle-head poured vinegar into his croaking throat!

“CHOAK-A-CROAK-A, CHOAK-A-CROAK-A! I can’t breath!” As Rappa-Slappa gasped and spat, struggling to regain his senses, his painful cries of torment echoed through the forest breaking the hypnotic spell of this serene and peaceful place.

Muscle-head admired his work for just a few seconds, then realized that he was wasting time on this band of inter-galactic space goons. Turning to face his partners in pain, he quickly barked their orders.

“These ugly toads ain’t about to give us what we want. Hey! Dim-wits! Report to Miss Tite-Pantys. Let her know we ain’t gettin’ no where with this Rappa-Slappa guy. Ask her what she wants us to do next.”

While Dim-wits ran to report to Penelope, put Muscle-head to work. “Hey! Dumb-Bunny, get over here, help me take these three creeps into the cave! We gotta get ‘em out of sight until Miss Tite-Pantys decides what she wants us to do next!”

The toad men’s bodies were wracked with pain, awash with oozing body fluids that seeped through the cuts and scrapes inflicted by Muscle-head. The toady brigade moaned pathetically as Penelope’s men approached them with hypodermic needles in hand.

“Muscle-head! Hold that one still while I shoot ‘em up with froggy-nights creep-relaxer.”

They were rough with their captives, roughing each one up and then literally stabbing them with the hypodermic! The dazed frogmen staggered and swooned as the froggy-nights creep-relaxer took effect. Afterward, they stood over them laughing as each one succumbed to the effects of the drug.

When Rappa-Slappa and his two cohorts fell to the ground, adrift in their individual, drug induced stupors, Muscle-head, and Muscle-head worked quickly to drag them into the cavern. Inside, they bound them and tossed each one into a separate cage. The cages were designed with over sized amphibians in mind. They were cold, and dank, wet and cool, and a three-foot reservoir of stink water at the far end. Drab muted light, and a light misty fog provided by a misting machine, completed the perfect accommodation for any amphibian visitor!

The one exception was Penelope’s strict order of isolation. Frogmen are social, and they love to travel in packs. Penelope wasn’t the type to enjoy unnecessary cruelty. If she had witnessed the flogging of her “visitors” she would certainly have Dumb-Bunny and Muscle-head punished for it.

But she couldn’t allow the frogmen to interact. Frogmen are notorious for their talent to escape from the most hopeless of situations. Penelope made it perfectly clear, that the frogmen MUST be kept sedated and apart.

These special cages were set into natural rock chambers and separated by eight feet yards of solid rock. Penelope prayed that the rock casing would prevent verbal and physical interchanges between frogmen.

Rappa-Slappa was the last unconscious Lathardian to be bound, and caged. When the lead frogman was subdued and safely locked behind bars, Muscle-head stood back to admire their hard, back-breaking work.

When the locking bolt clamped shut, he stood back and rubbed his hands clean of loose dirt. “That’ll hold the freaks for a while! Now let’s go outside and have a cold drink while we wait for Dim-wits to get back with our orders.”

 

Chapter 22: “How did “I” get into this?”

Armadayos slinked nearer the cavern while Penelopes’ goons lounged near the entrance. He turned slowly and signaled Jerry and Andy to follow. Jerry was apprehensive as Andy urged him forward.

“Are you sure we should be doin’ this Andy? Does the big Armadillo guy know what he’s getting us into?”

Andy silenced him, “Even if there’s danger of discovery, we “must” try. We can’t sit idly by while Penelope or Rappa-Slappa takes control of Becky’s spirit.”

Jerry mustered his fortitude, “Yes, of course you’re right. Becky must be protected at all costs!”

Just then, a branch snapped beneath Andy’s feet. The goon squads’ heads came up and Grind ‘em got to his feet. “Hey! Dunderhaed, what was that noise?”

The empty headed thug was slow to react, “Noise? I didn’t hear nothin’ boss.”

“You’re useless dunderhead! Shut up and listen!”

Armadayos signalled for Andy to stand perfectly still!

“We’re gonna to do some investigatin’ Dunderhead. You go ‘round that ‘a way, and I’ll come ‘round this ‘a way!”

While Penelope’s goons stalked off in opposite directions, Armadayos whispered to Andy. “It’s time to put these new “Zap-a-stoop” guns to work!” Andy nodded and drew the sleek, paw-sized stun-a-stoop gun from his waistcoat pocket. Armadayos signaled, “I’ll take the lead stoop and you’ll take Dunderhead.” He turned and whispered to Jerry.

“Stand behind those bushes and be silent. Once we’ve stunned them, we’ll need your help.”

Armadayos slipped quietly behind a large oak. The moment Grind’em stepped into range Armadayos flew into action.

“Stun! Zap! Crack and Whack!”

Grind’em fell to the ground quivering like a week old fish out of water, and since he hadn’t bathed in a week, he smelled just as bad! The putrid odor knocked Armadayos to his Stink-a-dillo kness! “Gasp-a-wasp-a! Oh the stink, oh the odoreene!”

Andy turned to check on his boss, “Are you alright sire?”

“Barf, gag, choke, and heave! Lordy, get the spray-a-skunk can! I can’t catch my breath!”

Armadayos retreated fifty paces from Grind’em’s stinking carcass

Dunderhead scratched his head and called out. “Hey boss, what was that noise? Are you OK boss?” Then the stink of Grind’em’s three-day stench hit him in the face. “YEWWEE! Christ in heaven! I smell a septic tank! I didn’t think Miss Tite-Pantys had an open sewer system out here!”

Then he saw Grind’em lying on the ground and he knelt to examine him. “Christ boss! That stinking smell is you! Christ, when did you take your last bath?”

Then he heard footsteps behind him but it was too late.

“Stun! Zap! Crack and Whack!”

Andy caught the goon by complete surprise, and he fell to the ground, directly beside his boss. Only then did Armadayos come forward to congratulate Andy.

“Executed with precision Andy Stink-a-dillo! Now, have Jerry assist you with transporting this pack of goons on the next Ass-a-pult from Zoox-a-Lith-a-Mixx! We’ll bring their smelly hides before the “flog-a-louse” council when we return to Varginnya. In the meantime, order Flox-a-muxx to keep them under lock and key at the “Alien Farm for Inter-planetary Scumbags” at Slopps-ville Varginnya!”

Andy bowed, “As you wish sire, I’ll place the order immediately.”

Chapter 23 : Penelope gets the news.

“Perfect, now, go and prepare the hoop-a-loop-a-stoop-a-whoop-a! The ritual must go forward before anything can go awry!”

Dim-witts bowed when Penelope gave the final order. When he left her in her chambers she walked t her mirror and smiled as she spoke to her reflection.

“It’s all going just as I’d planned. If I move quickly, now that I have Becky and Rappa-Slappa-Stink-a in my custody, those stink-a-dillos won’t have time to stop me.”

She stepped to the window and stared down at the garden where the work had been completed just an hour earlier. The wheel with three sections lay unmoving and silent. She envisioned the evenings ceremonies and felt her heart surge with excitement.

“Spin that wheel and earn immortality! Never to age, never to die, to be invinsible at long last!”

She stepped to the door and called. “Carla! Come quickly! It’s time to prepare the ritual!”

Meanwhile in her garden of Goona-Loona …

Andy and Jerry were hard at work. Andy whispered as he moved closer to the platform where the Wheel of Spin-the-Goons had been erected.

“Stealth is of the essence. We can’t afford to be caught while making the adjustments.”

Jerry was concerned and confused. “I still don’t understand what you plan to do. Try again Andy; explain it to me so I can understand. I’m nervous about this.”

Andy waved to his back where Jerry was coming up behind. Get down; we must crawl from this point forward. If Penelopes’ goons detect us, we’re toast! They’ll put us on that wheel and spin the life right out of us! The nearest shareholder to our spirit will suck it up and we will cease to exist! Get down Jerry, and stay down!”

Jerry snorted with disgust. “This has to be over and soon. I’m tired of taking short abrupt orders from zoo creatures.” Andy clicked with indignation. “Me a zoo specimen? Don’t be so personal Jerry. We’ve been very polite and kind to you while you were our guest on Varginya.” Jerry sighed. “I’m sorry Andy, but the past few days have been very stressful. Of course, I’m glad you’re here and that you know what to do.”

Andy Stink-a-dillo continued to move forward, the muffle a stink-a-dillo scales coat the py lab provided him was working perfectly! He squeaked to Jerry in cautious but pointed stink-a-dillo talk…

“Stay here and stay out of sight, I must do this alone. Then we’ll locate Armadayos and we’ll all hide in the garden and wait for the ritual to begin.” Jerry grabbed Andy by his tail and Andy whinnied in discomfort. “Wag-a-nagg-a shag-a-hagga! Let go of my tail. Stink-a-dillos are very sensitive to having their tails yanked! Oh lord in Varginnya, let go let go!”

Jerry released the hard working stink-a-dillo and apologized. “Sorry Andy Stink-a-Dillo, I didn’t know your tail was so sensitive.”

Andy lay on his back roiling and rolling side to side, gasping for breath. “My water bottle please, help me, I need a drink to calm myself!”

Jerry placed the bottle to his thin non-existent lips and Andy opened his jowl. “Slowly, please.” A minute later Andy was much relieved. “Why did you do it Jerry? I’m working hard to save Becky and you nearly ruined everything by pulling my tail. Never touch a stink-a-dillo tail Jerry, never do it again.”

Jerry nodded. “I get it Andy, no tail pulling, Okay. No explanation needed. But why are you going to allow the ritual to go ahead? How is that going to help Becky?”

Andy squeaked with annoyance. “I’m on your side Jerry, trust me. I will explain all of the particulars AFTER I’ve completed the adjustments. Time is wasting. Wait here and stop any goon that detects us. Shoot them with that stun-a-louse gun and keep them quiet. But don’t change the settings, it’s preset. We must never administer more than twelve hundred dillo-watts. We’ll all be sorry of you do.”
Jerry humpfed at Andy’s dismissal of his concerns. “Humpf, fine, go then, do what you must, dismiss me as an insignificant buffoon yet again.” Andy wriggled forward on his stink-a-dillo tummy. “We’ll work on soothing your pride after we’ve completed our tasks Jerry. I’ll return in five minutes. If I don’t return in five minutes it’s imperative that find Amradayos and tell him that I failed. He’ll know what to do next.”

Jerry watched in silence as Andy wiggled and groaned on his way toward the ellipse platform. Then he hoisted himself up and began his watch for marauding goons. “The first slop to try anything gets all the juice this baby can put out. Andy may be afraid to use more than tweleve hundred dillo-watts, but I am not!” He slid the dillo-watt slide bar forward to twenty-five-hundred.

He examined the stun-a-louse gun he held in his grip. He felt powerful, even eager to be detected so he could use it on one of Penelopes’ goofy goons. “Bring it on Penelope, Send me just one of those lug nuts so I can test this baby out. I’m ready.”

Meanwhile beneath the platform …

Andy worked quickly to reverse the cables and directional probes on the Wheel of Spin-a-Loon. He double checked his work then started to slink away. That’s when he heard the commotion in the bushes.

“OWW … Bow-wow-louse and cow. Oh stop, get it off me.”

Andy wriggled as quickly as his stink-a-dillo hide could move. He know what had happened but needed to stop Jerry from making matters worse. Then he heard the inevitable gasping and disgusted taunts from Jerry. “You hog! You stink! Did you just piss and crap yourself?”

The stunned goon lay at his feet quaking like a man with electrodes attached to his male apparatus. He was speechless as he lay excreting fluids and other bodily secretions. The stun wires were still lodged in his bared back. Andy waddled forward, pulled the electrodes out, and shoved a zonk-a-louse pill into the pore goons gaping mouth. When the smelly goon passed out Andy turned his pacifistic disappointment on Jerry.

“I warned you not to use that thing unless it was absolutely necessary and not to set it for more than twelve hundred dillo-watts! The odor of this rank goon will attract every turd eater within five hundred whiff-a-trons. Help me drag him into the brush, we must spray him down with freshen-up-that-stinking-goon!”
After administering the freshen a goon spray, Andy and Jerry made their way back to Armadayos with the goon in tow. “Sire, we have one more goon to be shipped to Varginya tp be tried before the council … Jerry stunned him with the max voltage the stun-a-louse gun can deliver.” Amradayos was shocked by this and shook Jerry by the arm. “So this is why the Saharan Turd-Eater attacked us? This goon had a run on pre-eaten dinner and the Turd-Eater smelled it! Why Jerry? Why did you do it? That Turd-Eater used his Electro-lux turd vacuum on us to pay taxes to his boss! It’s no fun being vacummed out!”

Jerry looked ashamed, “Curiosity I guess.”

Armadayos rubbed his aching behind. “That was an expensive way to satisfy your sick curiosity. I and each of my personal carcass guards were made to have several diarhetic attacks and even made to endure an enema just to satisfy that repulsive turd-eater! I hope the dillo-modium has taken effect before the ritual begins!”

Andy steeped in, “The rest Jerry’s scolding must wait Sire the ritual is imminent.”

Armadayos waved his staff and beckoned them forward. “Then onward and show me where the ritual template has been set up.”

Andy objected, “The filthy goon Sire, he must be sent home to Varginnya!”

“Order his transport immediately Andy Stink-a-Dillo then join the moment it’s been done. Jerry will escort me forward.”

Chapter 24: The keys are of the utmost import!

“Scale-and-Fillet! Open the dillo-tote-and-lug-some-junk case. We must get the keys into position before Penelpope or Rappa-Slappa show up on the scene to begin the ritual.” Amradayos clicked and smacked his stink-a-dillo mouth as he leaned over the tote-the-junk dillo and spoke eagerly. “Be careful, don’t drop them, they must be in perfect condition when the wheel of spin-a-loon is placed in motion! If one of them is damaged, the results could be catastrophic, at the very least, unpredictable!”

TheLug-Some-Junk-A-Dillo chattered nervously. “Why did you give them to me grand exulted Stink-a-dillo? You know I’m all paws.” Amradayos tried to ease his goony brain. “You can do this Lug-Nut, just focus. pPt everything else out of your head, visualize the keys going into place with out friction, without incident. See them mentally, slipping from your paw and falling right into place!” The goof-a-loof-a nodded determinately and squeaked. “I can do it, I know I can.” Armadayos wiggled happily, “Good, then go now, slip quietly forward and stay out of sight. When it’s been done, return and report to me.”

Just then Agoona-tuna-breath wiggled into view and made his report. He bowed as he stood before his master shaking and quaking from head to toe. “We may have been given a great advantage Sire. We’ve located Rappa-Slappa-Stinka and his hench-toads. It appears that Penelope lured them into a made to order Leapfrogginite pond laced with Knock-a-taody-out gas! Penelope’s goon-troopers have the grand Toad and his goon squad on ice in a cave on the far side of her English Gardens. They should keep quite well until Penelope decides to start the ritual.”

Jerry started dancing the Yea-Yea and clapping while singing Shilley Ellis’s Clapping Song. “Three six nine the goose drank wine!” Amradayos squeaked eagerly and joined in! “Lure-a-gore-a! Ice a fool-a! Things have turned in our favor at long last! Penelope won’t be expecting our interference! Let us sit here and wait. The ritual will begin shortly.”

Then Armadayos came to his senses and slapped Jerry’s hands. “No Jerry, we be quiet or we’ll alert Penelope’s goon squad to our location.” Jerry stayed his hands and apologized. “Sorry Big Boss A Dillo. I was just overwhelmed with this good news, it’s the first good news I’ve had in days!”

Chapter 25: Penelope moves into action.

Her late afternoon nap was over and the sun was beginning to wane. The time had come at last. She dressed in the ceremonial garb demanded by the age long practice of glut-a-slops-soul and stood before her mirror. She loathed the appearance of the knarl-a-wharl head she had to wear on hr head. It reminded her of an American Indian chieftain dancing around a fire! She told herself it was worth the momentary vileness to attain Rappa-Slappas potent spirit as well as those locked up inside him.

“I look like a heathen! But I won’t have to wear this repulsive thing for long.” Then she snapped her finger. “Carla! Where is the Jab-a-Scab? I need it to open Rappa-Slappa’s touch hide! We need a few drops of his smelly Swampfalian blood to anoint the wheel!”

While Carla retrieved the staff Penelope moved to the window and peered down. “Everything is ready at long last, and four disgusting Lathardians await in the caves beyond my English Gardens. Now that the time has come, I feel apprehensive for the first time since this quest began. I know I should be ashamed of myself for considering ingesting these spirits instead of setting them free.” She turned and peered into her mirror and removed the ceremonial head to examine her aging face. “I must do it, or die. I don’t believe in the teaching that we are reborn elsewhere in the universe after we expire here. And even if we do. Lord in heaven! I could be reborn as a grime-a-slime on Lathardia! Who wants that!”
She replaced the ceremonial head just as Carla returned with the staff. “Good Carla! Now, call for the goons to bring Rappa-Slappa and have Mutten-Slops place Becky on the wheel. The time has finally arrived!”

Chapter 26: Cabanna Wright! Spin the wheel!

Armadayos whispered to Andy Stink-a-dillo. “Sedate them all with the knock-a-lunkhead-out gas. We must rearrange the placement of bodies and place them head to center vice head to rim on the platform or the reverse settings will have no effect.”

Penelope was already dancing the eat-a spirit dance to the Headhunters record, Land of a thousand Stinkface. She was having a great time, she hated for this portion of the ritual to end. “Come dance Carla, I love this old record, add a little volume.”

While Penelope and Carla shimmy shaked their way around the platform for the third time Drag-a-nag worked diligently to place Becky onto the eternity ellipse and fasten the binding cuffs. Then he drove the tractor back across the garden and left quietly. When he was done, Flog-a-Frog and his mate Muscle-head came in behind with Rappa-Slappa. That’s when Penelope stopped her festive dance.

“Enough Carla! They’ve arrived with the guest of honor! The grand high Froggy has been delivered by haul-a-frogman transport! We must shake-a-snake in his face just as the ritual demands! Bring me the black snake from the hold-a-viper pit and you may have the bite-a-goofy-girl snake. That hateful thing has bitten me once too often, I’m weary of being injected with anti-venom, it’s your turn to handle that disagreeable creature!”

Carla tried to object. “Oh no, not that! I hate snakes. Especially that ugly thing, plus, it’s so big and so very hard to handle. Why can’t Weezzee-Grab-A-Serpent do it?”

Penelope was furious at the suggestion. “Weezee hasn’t been trained for serpent dancing! I expect you to do it. If you refuse, I can arrange for some minor adjustments to the ellipse just to accommodate you if necessary!”

Poor Carla frowned and reluctantly pulled on the grab-a-serpent-by-his-throat (If you can actually tell where the vipers throat starts) gloves. She approached the serpent bin cautiously as she asked. “Oh how I hate filthy snakes! What will happen if it bites me straight through the gloves?” Penelope laughed like a demented trampa-lampa. “Then I will ask Harold- hypo-wielder to give you the anti-venom, of course. Enough stalling! Get on with it.” Carla was unconvinced. “What if it coils around me like it did to poor old Wanda-slop-the-hogs?”

There is no venom for that, and the shock-a-boa-thingee is in the shop! So be very cautious! On with it and be quick! The sun is setting!”

 

Chapter 27: The Jig-A-Pigger Dance of figs.

Penelope and Carla waved the lager fig leaves through the late afternoon air as the music played. “Hey-yeahee Shay-yeahee. Slop a wop and shake your mop! Show the snake to the frog then throw his butt into the bog. When the stink-face sees the snake throw it down and shimmy-shake.”

Doctor Wake-a-louse administered the injection to waken Rappa-Slappa as the ritual song was chanted and the dancing continued. Then the wheel was set in motion and began spinning at precisely ten hurling-whirls per second. When the frogman awoke, the snakes were hurled onto the platform. The generous dousing of viper-stink-sauce on Rappa-Slappa’s carcass insured that the slink-a-snakes slithered straight for the exalted Frogman. When he realized what was happening he wailed in horror.

“Not the ritual! Not the slime-a-grime with sauce and toss a snake dance!”

But it was too late to stop the inevitable, and Penelope howled with glee.

“Yes you hateful toad! And in just a few minutes I will join you and Becky on the platform. By sunset today I will have stolen what you’ve dedicated your entire life time to gain. I will be the sole owner of our collective spirit, I shall be the immortal.”

“Yuckka-Smukka Stinka-linka! I curse you for frog-nabbing me! May the gods of Lathardia devour you the moment you step onto the eternity ellipse!” The snakes were already biting him on his froggy feet. “Croaka-smoka Choka-loaka. Get those snake-a-lake-a’s off me!”

While Rappa-Slappa cried in pain Penelope gave the order. Slow the platform so I can join my guests on the ellipse.”

She positioned herself and laid between Becky and Rapa-Slappa. “Fasten me in Carla and do it quickly” Carla sneered as she stepped onto the platform beside Rappa-Slappa struggling body, his pitiful croaking and choking made Carla cringe with fright as the snakes continued their assault on the amphibian guest.

. “Quickly Carla, then readjust the speed. The wheel-of-slopface is about to spin!”
Carla worked quickly then ran to do Penelope’s bidding. But just as she prepared to adjust the speed, blue and green fog enveloped the ritual site and she fell unconscious. “I feel goofy and loofy like I’ve had one too many after dinner Hog-Lagers.”

Then Carla fell softly to the ground and Andy Stinka-Dillo stepped into action. “Put on your fog mask and help me Jerry. We haven’t much time. You must take Carla to the safety of the house while I reverse the switches and reset the ellipse!” Jerry seemed worried, “Have these masks been tested on humans? I mean, they look a little different from the ones I’ve seen here on Earth.” Andy reassured him. “Tested and perfectly safe Jerry, move Carla to safety, then return.”

Jerry stressed concern. “What if I get caught by one of Penelope’s goons?” We’ve knocked out the entire staff by placing precisely timed fog-bombs all over the estate. No one shall interrupt you.”
As Jerry struggled to place Carla in the main house, Andy set to work rearranging the bodies and reversing the electrodes. He placed Becky in the pod of honor, head to center and put Penelope next to her. He left Rappa-Slappa in his pod but turned him head to center as directed to reverse the ritual’s effect. If all went well, the lost souls inside Rappa-Slappa would take wing and fly as soon as the correct speed was achieved on the wheel.

Jerry placed Carla onto the bed in the same room where Becky had been held prisoner, then he stepped to the window and peered down. Andy was just crawling out from under the ellipse.

“Everything is ready Sire.” Armadayos bowed, “Good work Andy Stink-a-dillo, now we wait for Jerry. He should be here when we begin.”
Jerry called down, “Just do it big Stink-a-dillo, I have popcorn and a soft drink up here. I’ll just watch from here, it’s like sitting in the balcony of one of those old movie theaters! It’s great up here.”
Armadayos cursed, “NO Jerry, you should be down here when Becky wakens! She’ll need you!” Jerry nodded, “Oh yeah, I forgot, Becky will soon return to me! On my way!”

By the time Jerry showed up the wheel was spinning and Andy Stink-a-dillo was dancing the shake a snake dance with the customary grass shirt and Armadayos was plating the morocco’s. The Varginnyan goons choir was chanting the ritual phase.

“Rattle rattle shake a dillo, dance the snake a round the fool oh.”

“Sun set now, release the cow, to graze and snort the holy snout.”

“Whirl a flora spin the Mora, free the souls to upon the morrow.”

As the wheel spun a rainbow of colors began to arch upward, shapes of alien creatures were obvious as the souls escaped Rappa-Slappa’s innards. “SO long Rappa … We loathe you Sallpa!”

When the colors waned, Armadayos signaled Andy. “Slow the wheel by ten whirl and clicks! We’re nearly done, this is where we must be careful or Becky and Penelope will pay for our mistake!”

Andy pulled the gear shifter and shook his broad butt nervously. “Tell me when Sire, when must I stop it!”

“Hold steady Andy Stink-a-dillo! Watch my arm, I’ll drop my arm when it’s time!”

The chanting Varginyan choir continued to nag and hag. “Swat the spy … fly real high, use smelly arm powder and you’re underarm will stay dry. Find a home somewhere alone. Across the spectrum of planetary crones!”

Armadayos watched intently as the colorful display of fleeing souls waned, when the prism of color went gray his arm fell. “Now Andy, cut it off now!”

The wheel squealed loudly as the brakes were applied, Andy was glad to have remembered his ear muffs to mute the ear splitting howl. Then like magic, the wheel came to silent stop and Armadayos ordered the goons forward.

“Unleash them, and stand back. The effects of the ritual are still settling in, especially on the Lathardian Lord. He will go through a stark transformation before our very eyes.”

Before the three figures on the ellipse could be unleashed, the gigantic figure of Rappa-Slappa-Stinka begand to glow, and shake. “He’s shrinking Sire! He’s disappearing before our very eyes!” Armadayos signaled them to stay back. “Release Penelope and Becky and bring them here, but stay away from the frogman until his transformation is complete!”

The Varginnyan goon platoon laid Becky and Penelope on the ground at the foot of the ellipse and stepped back bowing reverently. “You’re all dismissed!” Armadayos was eager to send them back home for other assignments. “Return home on the Ass-a-pult and resume your duties! The celebration to mark our success will begin at four-thousand flicks-and-clicks! I’ll call ahead and be sure that Sire-ess Bakin-up-a-strom has the cake in the oven!”
“So long Sire, we back away from this mire. We return to drudgery, to resume a life of sluggery.”

As the goons disappeared on the whirling ass-a-pult Andy peered down and noticed something that seemed wrong, and very curious. “Sire, look! Penelope is transforming also! Did you expect this?”

Armadayos squeaked. “Oh no, we didn’t do something right! Pray we didn’t take her back too far! She’s regenerating to a younger self!”

Becky sat up and shook her head. “Where am I, what the, who are you?” Then she saw Andy Stink-a-dillo. “Oh so it’s you again! I’ll have you know that I was grilled quite severely by the police all because of the accident you caused in Lola Lumpsartin’s front yard!”

Andy bowed, “It was a mistaken coordinate in the ass-a-pult. We have already sent a remedy to the Lola woman’s bedside, she will recover.”
Then she saw a ninnie lying on a blanket at her feet. :How did this cute little baby get here? And gee, where am I?” Amradayos stepped forward. “I am Armadayos the president og=f Varginnya. You are on Penelope Tite-Pnaty’s estate.” Becky remembered, “Yes, I remember now. She took me out of the hospital so I wouldn’t be transferred to the asylum. But then where is Penelope now?”

Andy pointed to the baby. “There, she has been regenerated to a younger incarnation of herself. A ninnie!”

Becky jumped to her feet. “Where’s Jerry.” He stepped from behind the large stand of aoks at the edge of the garden. “I’m here Becky, I’m so glad to see you awake and standing.” When he ran to her side, she swooned in his arms. “I was afraid that when toad man took you away, I’d never see you again!” “Hush now Becky, I’m here, you’re here and the toad man can’t hurt us ever again. Just look!”

“Croak and choke, toke a smoke.”

A three foot long toad ribbited at their feet. “You mean that’s the hateful toad who asked me for lunch?” Jerry nodded, “It sure is, and now he’s been transformed into a baby toadman, with no more power than a common toad.”

Andy bowed to Armadayos, “Shall we return him to Lathardia Sire?”

Armadayos didn’t think so, “NO, he’s still dangerous. He’s too small and weak for now, but he could become a threat yet again if he’s allowed to return to his home planet. Penelope built a splendid lily-pond right here, I suggest we allow him to live out his life right here, that way he won’t of any further threat to interplanetary governance. But … Becky and Jerry will have to promise to feed and care for him until their lives pass. Remember, he will outlive them by several human life spans.”
Jerry jumped up and down eagerly. ” When we get older, we can give him to a traveling freak show! Those creeps love freaky creatures like him!” Armadayos shook it off. “We have many years to make those arrangements. The thing to focus on now is having you and Becky made guardians to Penelope. She is baby again, she can’t be left alone. And her staff may try to take advantage of her. I have the legal papers here. I had the fax-a-legal document team on the planet More-papers-to-file-everyday prepare them. They will legal here on earth. You are her guardians if you’ll agree to the arrangements.”

Becky held the baby and cooed in her ear, “You were so good to me Penelope, I can’t turn my back you in your hour of need.” She begged Jerry, “Say yes Jerry. I always wanted a baby girl.”

Jerry huffed, “A ninnie and it’s not even mine! This is fine situation.” Becky was angry at his retort. “If we can take care of human size frog we can care for a bay girl!” He looked ashamed, “If it’s means that much to you Becky, then I’ll agree.” They hugged while the baby Tite-Panties giggled in Becky’s arms. “OH Jerry, isn’t she the cutest thing?” They kissed while Baby Rappa-Slappa croaked quizzically at their feet. “Ribbit, Daddy, Ribbit, Momma!” “Oh Jerry, just look, we’ll have to build a lily pond closer to the house. He wants to be near to mama and dada.

 

Chapter 28: Upward and onward, Ass-a-pults a plenty! Or:

The celebration begins in just three parsnips!

Becky pleaded, “Oh please Armadayos, let me bring Jerry’s boss and his wife Sheena. They were supposed to have dinner with us several days ago when Jerry was abducted and I was sent to the loony-bin. I’d so much love to share this once in a lifetime opportunity with them. I feel that I owe them this much.”

Armadayos was apprehensive. “Will they understand all of this? Are you sure it’ll be alright to take them along?” Jerry was notably worried. “Becky, now wait a minute, I’m not sure Mr. Whoppin-Big-Slop would enjoy this. I’m speaking from experience! These ass-a-pult rides aren’t the least bit fun! My last ride made me so sick that I barfed like a hog! And you don’t even want to be around when they call out Freddie-barf-and-lap-it-up comes around!”

Becky insisted, “Please Jerry. No one will ever believe a woe=rd I say if you don’t allow this.” He sighed heavily and caved in. :If you can convince them, it’s fine with me.”

UP UP AND AWAY ON THE ASS-A-PULT TO VARGINNYA!

“Cheers everyone! Bottoms up! All Earthlings must finish every drop of the Ease-a-gut-powder that Mix-n-and-fix-n-a-remedy prepared just for you so that no one will suffer the illness that befell Jerry on the last ass-fling from Varginnya.”

When Jerry finished his snort he complained. “I don’t see why this celebration couldn’t have been held right here on Earth. I’m sick of being flung through the far recesses of the universe on this repulsive contraption!”

Andy Stink-a-dillo reassured him, “You have nothing to fear this time Jerry. The ease-a-gut-powder will prevent any further discomfort. This trip should be painless.”

Armadayos had just zappa-snapped the Whoppin-bog-Slops with his very handy and totally portable bring-big-slop-here materialization gun. Needless to say they were quite amazed.

Sheena cooed eagerly. “Oh Wally, I didn’t believe Becky was telling the truth. But look, there’s the pack of goonie-loons Becky told us abut! And they zappa-snapped us right here while we were still talking on the phone!”

Becky smiled happily. “And just wait till we get to Varginnya! That’s when they serve up the glut-a-goon feast!”

Jerry held onto Becky’s hand and hushed the naggin-hags. “No more talking, please lets get on the road so we can get back!” Then he turned to Becky. “You drank your ease-a-gut powder didn’t you dear?” She nodded and smiled demurely, “Oh yes, but we must wait until Wally and Sheena have had their snort of it!”

Sheena winced when it was presented but held her nose and gulped. “Umm, almost delicious.”

Andy stepped aside while Armadayos spoke, “Please everyone, line up for the fling-an-ass-pult to Varginnya. There’s not another minute to waste!”

Becky shook-a-hook … the artificial limb she’d been saving for Halloween, and bubbled. “I’m so eager to ride the inter-planetary winds on the presidential ass-a-pult! Heavens, I never even knew about an ass-a-pult until just five minutes ago. Sadly, Jerry hasn’t made it sound terribly inviting, I’m getting a bit worried about how my stomach might react to this trip.”

Armadayos interjected, “Not to worry, you’ve been medicated. None of you should experience the least bit of discomfort.”

They all entered and strapped themselves in, then Drive-a-Loon-Nuts turned it over and the inevitable whirling and droning began. When it had reached it’s apex the ass-a-pult took wind and flew through light years of time and space … for just a minute or two Becky was sure she saw several out takes from old episodes of “I Love Lucy” … She even heard Lucille Ball curse, “Oh Ricky! I want to be in the show too!” She was just beginning to enjoy the show, Carmen Maranda was wearing her customary headgear embellished with oranges, bananas, and limes when the spectacle disappeared abruptly and the ride was over. The slop-a-dillo driver opened the doors and announced. “Safe and sound on Varginnya, all aground that’s going aground.”

 

LET THE FEAST BEGIN!

Scale-Linda met them at the Arch-De-Tri-Dillos. The ceremonial trio of yelping nagging stink-a-dillos were already in mid stanza of “It’s a long way to Stink-a-Rarry”

Scale-Linda cooed to her husband. Oh Armadayos, I feared you’d fall victim to that loathsome toad monger Rappa-Slappa. We’re so happy you’ve returned victorious with Becky in tact and to top it all off, you freed all of those poor souls he’d glutted himself on.” Armadayos wiggled the customary “welcome me home” swiggle as he snuggled closer to his woman stink-a-dillo. “And just look at this once high and mighty slop now.” He held the baby toadman out for Scale-Linda to see. “Gribbet … gribbet!” The tiny toadboy was eager to be praised by the lovely Scale-Linda.

“OH now lust look at that, isn’t he cutest thing? How could such a adorablr little toadman ever have made so much trouble?”

As the feast of sop-and-glut-a-pond-of-grub began, Jerry had one final, and very important detaial to clarify with Andy.

“Hey Andy, how did things go with the lawyer back on Earth? Is it all fixed up?”
“Oh yes, completed and sealed with the customary inter-galactic “seal of the seven big goons” You and Becky will move into Penelope’s estate the moment you return home. The papers naming you and Beckyas her and Rappa-Slappa’s intermediate guardians has been completed and filed in the local and state offices. You are now a wealthy man, the arrangements include concessions for pain and suffering during the ordeal.”

“Jerry beamed with delight as he howled with glee. “Hey, come on over here Grill-em old toad chef buddy! I want you to take a look at your once feared and gruesome toadman prince!”

The toad chef hopped to his side. “That little twerp is Rappa-Slappa?”

Andy bowed, “To be certain, yes.”

Jerry shook his head reflectively, “And I am his guardian, so he won’t be heading back to Lathardia and time soon, we have to get him enrolled in the local zoo class for ninnie toads the minute we return to Earth. And he’s just in love with the lilly pond Penelope had constructed for his arrival. So you need to take that news back to Lathardia, an election is in order the minute you return.”

Grill-Em frowned than a grin of understanding slowly crossed his toad face. It’s very hard to tell when a toadman smiles. “I’ll go home and proclaim myself ruler. Have the ninnie Rappa-Slappa put his toad print to this decree.

“I … Rappa-Slappa-Stinka … being of sound mind but greatly deminised size and competence how by decree that my rulership should fall to my loyal and trusted toad chef Grill-Em-Right. Obey and follow his lead in each and every leap-frogginite adventure until such time that he passes into the great lilt pond of the universe.”

As swamp-fallian challises clinked and drained through out the celebration Becky refused to be drawn away from Jerry foe fear she might once again lose him. “Never leave me Jerry, not for a second. Stay right at my side, always. Promise?”

He wrapped her in his arms, with the little cage that held Rappa-Slappa at his feet and the pen of playment that held the toddling Penelope and vowed.

“Not in this life or any of those we just returned to the great ruler of the universe to disburse as new life throughout the galaxies. We shall be inseparable forever.”

Two weeks later in the meat department of Mr. Sell-it-Rotten’s grocery store…

Fran touched her bandaged head and stared reflectively toward the anomaly at the meat counter. After three minutes of lingering out of sight, she decided she had to approach her.

“Why Becky Linwood, what gives? You never pick meats from the case. You always ask for fresh cuts!”

Becky held up baby Rappa-Slapp and giggled. “Oh Fran, just look. Isn’t he the cutest little man you’ve ever seen?”

Fran’s eyes popped wide with surprise. “Lord sakes alive Becky! I didn’t know you and Jerry were expecting! He’s handsome alright. Looks just like your mother’s side!”

Becky scowled then decided to let the insult pass. “Heaven’s sake Fran, this isn’t my baby! We adopted the poor little thing after his mama abandoned him in the wild. He’s coming long beautifully too. And best of all, he just loves this two week old rot gut in the open case, worms, flies and larva! He loves it all!”

The small cloud of stink flies above the case caught baby Rappa-Slappa’s attention and his tongue went out like a New Years party noise maker! “Slurp, chomp, gulp! Umm, Mama, more stink flies please!”

“Now did you see that Fran? He’s the sweetest thing!”

Fran cowered away as the baby frog boy eagerly eyed the fruit flies swarming over her head. “Keep him away Becky! Don’t …” But it was too late, baby Rappa-Slappa tongued her for the halo of flies before she could retreat! “Yuckie smuckie not so lucky! Ted, throw me a towel!”

While Fran toweled down, a voice approached from behind. “Hello Becky dear. My it’s good to see you looking so much better than the last time I saw you.”

It was Sheena Whoppin-Big-Slop. She smiled and asked, “Now are you sure that you’re feeling well enough to entertain this evening, Ben and I could just as easily have you Jerry come to us.”

Becky insisted, “Nonsense, now that we’re in the old Tite-Panty’s estate, I don’t have to lift a finger unless I choose to. You come to us, and we’ll be glad to come to you next time. We missed the last dinner we promised, remember?”

“I do indeed dear, but …”

“No buts Sheena, come hungry, Bertha Cookin-Something-Up is already preparing the dinner. It’s fine, and we’re eager to have you over. You’ll be the first guests we’ve had since … well you know.”

Sheena nodded and agreed, “If you insist Becky, we’ll see at seven. Bye now.”

Becky was just about to leave too when she remembered. “Oh no! I can’t leave yet! Mr. Sell-it-Rotten promised he’d have three jars of fruit flies, two jars of horse flies and one very special jar of Tee-zee flies for my little man’s night-night treat.” She whispered to Fran, “They put him out like a light.”

As she handed them over Becky spoke to little Rappa-Slappa. “UMM HUMM, now just look at what mama has for her baby froggy! These are special treats for after dinner, and before bed. You must be a good little froggy if you want them!”

That evening after dinner, Jerry and Becky stood over the ninnies beds.

“Can you believe it Jerry, two ninnies, and just two weeks ago we didn’t have one.”

Jerry laughed, “Two weeks ago we didn’t have a fortune, and an estate admired the world over! Not bad … not bad at all. After the harassment of the past two weeks, we deserve this, all of it. We can live the rest of our lives in comfort and leisure. All because of that goffy little frogman right down there.” Jerry patted him on his warted little head and said, “Sleep tight Rappy, and dream of your old home on Leap-Frogginte. Maybe one day, you’ll return there and take your kingdom back.”

The moon was just coming into view in the window frame. Jerry and Becky turned and stared across the universe and tried to imagine their little frog boy at home and ruling in a far more compassionate way then he did when was a full-grown soul hunter. Then they turned and closed the door and left the little man alone with his dreams.

The end????